New blog going up, purely because this one has come dangerously close to being found by my parents =) I dont mind who reads my blog, which is why im determined to keep it open, but just not my parents. =)
Please, please ask me for the new url because I will give it to you, just ask you to follow it anonymously =) Thanks!
x
Wednesday, 1 April 2009
Friday, 27 March 2009
Hmmm bugger.
Bad head.
Very bad head.
Amazingly skillful head.
But still, very bad head.
The thing thats grounded me for a while, stopped most of my not-so-great thoughts is the thought that Mike loves me.
Cause he says he does =) Alot.
But I've managed to do the same thing i do EVERY time.
I've convinced myself he doesnt.
Because frankly, why would he?
And small random things are convincing me that more and more people dont love me, people that I'd just started to believe....
So im verry very very confused and lost and scared and unsure.
Because i know that if i do what i promised not to it helps. But based on said love theory, people dont like me doing it. No love theory, no hatred of doing it.
But then do i want to now i know i dont have to?
I love all these people i've said dont reciprocate so much...... But surely thats a little bit useless if they dont back?
Confused. Babbling. Bye.
Very bad head.
Amazingly skillful head.
But still, very bad head.
The thing thats grounded me for a while, stopped most of my not-so-great thoughts is the thought that Mike loves me.
Cause he says he does =) Alot.
But I've managed to do the same thing i do EVERY time.
I've convinced myself he doesnt.
Because frankly, why would he?
And small random things are convincing me that more and more people dont love me, people that I'd just started to believe....
So im verry very very confused and lost and scared and unsure.
Because i know that if i do what i promised not to it helps. But based on said love theory, people dont like me doing it. No love theory, no hatred of doing it.
But then do i want to now i know i dont have to?
I love all these people i've said dont reciprocate so much...... But surely thats a little bit useless if they dont back?
Confused. Babbling. Bye.
Wednesday, 18 March 2009
High random babbling
Im.
Im.
Im.
Im.
RED BULL!!
Thats why i have a ridiculous amount of energy right now!!
I like wiings =D Teehee.
So.
Im.
A.
Little
bit
overly
hyper =D
Sorry for the mad blogging =D
OHH AND THE ALIENS HAVE LANDED!!! So skillet is telling me right now =D
OHHH Remember the 101 things to show you love somone?
With Roseanna- 54
With Mikus- 43
There are two ways i can be grring at this =P
Firstly the fact I'm straight but have done more with my best friend than my boyfriend =P
Or that its bloomin impressive since i've been goin out with Michael for three weeks and have known Roseanna for six years =P
Oooooooohness Sadie and Butlerr =D <3 =P
Bloggeringrandomness over temporarilyy =D xxx
Im.
Im.
Im.
RED BULL!!
Thats why i have a ridiculous amount of energy right now!!
I like wiings =D Teehee.
So.
Im.
A.
Little
bit
overly
hyper =D
Sorry for the mad blogging =D
OHH AND THE ALIENS HAVE LANDED!!! So skillet is telling me right now =D
OHHH Remember the 101 things to show you love somone?
With Roseanna- 54
With Mikus- 43
There are two ways i can be grring at this =P
Firstly the fact I'm straight but have done more with my best friend than my boyfriend =P
Or that its bloomin impressive since i've been goin out with Michael for three weeks and have known Roseanna for six years =P
Oooooooohness Sadie and Butlerr =D <3 =P
Bloggeringrandomness over temporarilyy =D xxx
Hmmm
Had an interesting talk with three very interesting people today.
It was on the subject of Christianity.
Now having doubts myself, I guess I'm not the best person to talk to about Christianity as a whole.
The person I spoke to said to me very clearly, "I believe you're not so much a christian any more. You have changed. In the year that i have known you, you have changed."
Hmmmmm.
Well I have changed for the better more reccently.
But is moving away from church as a whole something that is a good change or a bad one?
Its different, thats for sure. I like that I have changed, Im liking a bit more who I'm becoming....
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm =)
It was on the subject of Christianity.
Now having doubts myself, I guess I'm not the best person to talk to about Christianity as a whole.
The person I spoke to said to me very clearly, "I believe you're not so much a christian any more. You have changed. In the year that i have known you, you have changed."
Hmmmmm.
Well I have changed for the better more reccently.
But is moving away from church as a whole something that is a good change or a bad one?
Its different, thats for sure. I like that I have changed, Im liking a bit more who I'm becoming....
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm =)
Tuesday, 17 March 2009
Im through =)
Im through.
Im through with trying to work out who I am
Im through with pretending hurting myself is a good thing.
Im through convincing myself people dont care.
Im through with masks.
Im through with the hurt that comes with anything I do.
Im through with trying to be the person I'm not.
Im through with my own insecurities holding me back...
Im sure im through with more things. But nowww
Im gonna try defying gravity.
Nothings gonna hold me down any more =)
(Shamelessly stolen from Wicked (y))
Im through with trying to work out who I am
Im through with pretending hurting myself is a good thing.
Im through convincing myself people dont care.
Im through with masks.
Im through with the hurt that comes with anything I do.
Im through with trying to be the person I'm not.
Im through with my own insecurities holding me back...
Im sure im through with more things. But nowww
Im gonna try defying gravity.
Nothings gonna hold me down any more =)
(Shamelessly stolen from Wicked (y))
Monday, 16 March 2009
GIRLFACE POST
Do not read if you are suceptable to girlface. This is the very definition of Girlface. And if you are a guy OR the fairy that this is written about, then dont read also =P
I love this boy.
He's a bit of a wuss.
He is a complete computer geek.
He refuses to sing but probably enjoyed Mamma Mia.
He is scarily Skinny.
He is scarily gay sometimes =P (Matt and Mullins. Yeeshh =P)
He gets cold way too easily.
But.....
He knows exactly how to make me smile.
He makes me want to go to school.
He has the most adorable smile EVER.
He can play Bass and guitar like noone ive ever seen.
He has an amazing sense of humour
He has zero energy, unless being forced to skip or becoming a fairy.
He ran away from a nine year old with a twig.
He is the owner of the mighty Mario =P (R.I.P x)
I could easily go on with this for a very very long time....=P But bottom line is....
I love him =)
I love this boy.
This boy...Well.....
He's a bit of a wuss.
He is a complete computer geek.
He refuses to sing but probably enjoyed Mamma Mia.
He is scarily Skinny.
He is scarily gay sometimes =P (Matt and Mullins. Yeeshh =P)
He gets cold way too easily.
But.....
He knows exactly how to make me smile.
He makes me want to go to school.
He has the most adorable smile EVER.
He can play Bass and guitar like noone ive ever seen.
He has an amazing sense of humour
He has zero energy, unless being forced to skip or becoming a fairy.
He ran away from a nine year old with a twig.
He is the owner of the mighty Mario =P (R.I.P x)
He cares about me...And shows it =)
I could easily go on with this for a very very long time....=P But bottom line is....
I love him =)
Friday, 13 March 2009
Ahh the suckiness.
One moment of weakness and my new happiness falls back a few steps.
Well, not the happiness exactly. Im still stupidly high and in love with Mikus, nothing in the slightest has changed there.
But I sat and thought the other day. And it wasnt a great outcome. What kind of person am i to force someone I care about to stop me from doing something Im not even so sure is bad any more?
Pshwaw. Im not even sure why im having this argument....Probably cause i have no idea what the answer is........ Fuckkkkk..............
Gay stupid depressed fucking brain.
ARGHHHH
Well, not the happiness exactly. Im still stupidly high and in love with Mikus, nothing in the slightest has changed there.
But I sat and thought the other day. And it wasnt a great outcome. What kind of person am i to force someone I care about to stop me from doing something Im not even so sure is bad any more?
Pshwaw. Im not even sure why im having this argument....Probably cause i have no idea what the answer is........ Fuckkkkk..............
Gay stupid depressed fucking brain.
ARGHHHH
Tuesday, 10 March 2009
No Longer A Christain.
I went to London on saturday.
I have a habit of noticing things that pass most people by. Like the random Banksy imitation picture some wierd stall.
That the CCTV was focussed not on the shops, but on the street performers.
Other random things.
But one of the most obvious things, was a giant poster on the side of a bus.
So really, not just random people like me would notice, but the potentially whole of London.
Do you know what was written on it?
"Fools say in their hearts, there is no God. For a free bible, call....."
I'll come back to that later. But should they get a bible, whats the first thing they'll do? Look up a verse they know. What might that one be?
Psalm 53? The one on the bus? Lets look at the rest of it....
"1 Fools say in their hearts,
"There is no God."
They are corrupt, and their ways are vile;
there is no one who does good. "
So the idea of this advertisment, was to open up people to God? Agnostics who need help deciding if God is real or not?
Do they get the love and acceptance we preach?
No.
Do they get the promise of no judgement?
No.
They get insulted. Called fools and vile.
I could blame the bible for this, but to be honest, i dont. The psalm is about Gods love for the earth and how they have changed without his influence. But in the context?
It presents big-headed, arrogant, we're-better-than-you, an i-told-you-so attitude.
The same attitude that associates us with out mistakes.
It reminds me of the time at ignite when we were shown a video someone had made.
It was a letter from an athiest to his christian friend. It screamed and cried as he was scared and taken to hell.
It was ridden with scare and shock tactics.
It made me feel physically Ill.
WHY on earth? How on earth? We preach love.
We preach forgivness, we preach GODs message.
There is love placed on our hearts to spread to other people.
We should not be forcing fear to people.
I have a habit of noticing things that pass most people by. Like the random Banksy imitation picture some wierd stall.
That the CCTV was focussed not on the shops, but on the street performers.
Other random things.
But one of the most obvious things, was a giant poster on the side of a bus.
So really, not just random people like me would notice, but the potentially whole of London.
Do you know what was written on it?
"Fools say in their hearts, there is no God. For a free bible, call....."
I'll come back to that later. But should they get a bible, whats the first thing they'll do? Look up a verse they know. What might that one be?
Psalm 53? The one on the bus? Lets look at the rest of it....
"1 Fools say in their hearts,
"There is no God."
They are corrupt, and their ways are vile;
there is no one who does good. "
So the idea of this advertisment, was to open up people to God? Agnostics who need help deciding if God is real or not?
Do they get the love and acceptance we preach?
No.
Do they get the promise of no judgement?
No.
They get insulted. Called fools and vile.
I could blame the bible for this, but to be honest, i dont. The psalm is about Gods love for the earth and how they have changed without his influence. But in the context?
It presents big-headed, arrogant, we're-better-than-you, an i-told-you-so attitude.
The same attitude that associates us with out mistakes.
It reminds me of the time at ignite when we were shown a video someone had made.
It was a letter from an athiest to his christian friend. It screamed and cried as he was scared and taken to hell.
It was ridden with scare and shock tactics.
It made me feel physically Ill.
WHY on earth? How on earth? We preach love.
We preach forgivness, we preach GODs message.
There is love placed on our hearts to spread to other people.
We should not be forcing fear to people.
Christians have made mistakes. I have made mistakes. Its Gods forgivness that we learn to understand, and he forgives us.
But surely its a mistake to stand on a street corner and yell doomsday messages at people? Cant we look at ways to talk to people that are so much more effective? Love, one-to-one listening.
Practice what we preach.
Im just sick of the constant hippocrisy of Christainity.
Until I can get my head around it, i will no longer tell people I am a christian.
I beleive in God. I beleive in Jesus. I get that he loves people. But im sick of it all.
Out of pure curiousity I looked up christian in the urban dictionary. Most of them agree with what i say, but this one.....
"16.
Christian
A person who believes that Christ is their Savior. Most are kind and polite, but some are complete snobs about it. The latter gets extremely offended when someone has a difference of opinion religiously, but still go around saying everybody else is wrong and that they are going to hell for not having faith. Especially aggressive towards Atheists. "
Now what if everyones opinion of Christians was that??
Thats how people at school think i will be. Aggressive because I dont share their beliefs.
One for the many, but why cant we shed the label?
The term Christian comes from who we were then. The struggles early christians faced. We were Jews before! We reinvented ourselves to show a change in who we were, a concious decision to follow Christ the saviour.
So why cant we reinvent ourselves again, move past our past ideas and morals, the major mistakes christianity as a whole has been blamed for and is still blamed for?
Get rid of our insecurities about admitting to being a christian?
Become new people, in the name of Christ.
So no longer am i a christain. Im a christ-follower. =)
Monday, 9 March 2009
Who I am hates who I've been.
When I was younger, for reasons that Im not going to use as an excuse, I was a complete bitch.
I've been listening to Relient K for a while now, and they have a great song called "Who I am Hates Who I've been'.
This is true =)
I was unbelieveably defensive, totally rude and way too violent. Even I cant believe how terrible I was.
And Im so, so sorry.
I could make excuses, explain why I did it, why i never liked insulting someone, or hitting someone, but Im not going to.
Because the blame was mine, whether i had an excuse or not, I did it and Im sorry.
One day, I'll be able to apologise to the people at my old school for what I was like. I have changed. I just hope I can get the guts to do it soon =) =P
I've been listening to Relient K for a while now, and they have a great song called "Who I am Hates Who I've been'.
This is true =)
I was unbelieveably defensive, totally rude and way too violent. Even I cant believe how terrible I was.
And Im so, so sorry.
I could make excuses, explain why I did it, why i never liked insulting someone, or hitting someone, but Im not going to.
Because the blame was mine, whether i had an excuse or not, I did it and Im sorry.
One day, I'll be able to apologise to the people at my old school for what I was like. I have changed. I just hope I can get the guts to do it soon =) =P
Sunday, 8 March 2009
MONUMENTAL MOMENT!!!
Today, at some point around one-ish....
MICHAEL JAMES LAWS SKIPPED!!!!
It was scarier than i thought it'd be =P But was amazing!! =P
xx
MICHAEL JAMES LAWS SKIPPED!!!!
It was scarier than i thought it'd be =P But was amazing!! =P
xx
Wednesday, 4 March 2009
Owwww
My head hurtssssss =(
Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
I kinda realised I havent blogged as manically as I have been before =P
I guess its cause im happier. Less to complain about =)
Well, that, and that most of the time I have msn on at the same time, and most people demand my attention =)
However it is a quiet time (Bloomin noone interestings online. GRR! =P) so I thought i'd blog a bit. Why not? =P
Do you ever feel like people just dont have perspective? =P
Ahaa, Orienteering, at the park for PE, the girls would NOT stop complaining about the mud. I was a bit like...Really? Soul Survivor? =P
But when two girls on the bus are in tears because they've had a tiny tiff with their mates...? Argh. When i cry its cause im geniuinly scared im gonna loose someone. They were cryin cause a) One wanted someone else to talk to her more often, so decided ignoring her would be the best way to do it, then when the girl got upset at being ignored, she got mad and her friend seemed like she'd done wrong. Well she had. Yet she sat on the bus blaming it on the other person. And b) the other was flirtin with a guy who's girlfriend then told her she was uncomfortable with it. So SHE was in tears cause her friend told her the truth.
I mean...What? =/
Ahh welll =P
Pshwawwwwww
I have never felt truly crap and yet stupidly happy at the same time.
Its really annoying tbh =P
Yes, Helen, Rach, before you comment, i do have constant girlface =)
I even have pink glasses now!! Check me out! =D =P =P
ARghhh i cant even say why im so happy =( Which is somewhat frustrating. Other than its hottie-related.
All his fault =/
=P
Bored. Babbling. Will probably babble more later =P
BYE! =D
Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
I kinda realised I havent blogged as manically as I have been before =P
I guess its cause im happier. Less to complain about =)
Well, that, and that most of the time I have msn on at the same time, and most people demand my attention =)
However it is a quiet time (Bloomin noone interestings online. GRR! =P) so I thought i'd blog a bit. Why not? =P
Do you ever feel like people just dont have perspective? =P
Ahaa, Orienteering, at the park for PE, the girls would NOT stop complaining about the mud. I was a bit like...Really? Soul Survivor? =P
But when two girls on the bus are in tears because they've had a tiny tiff with their mates...? Argh. When i cry its cause im geniuinly scared im gonna loose someone. They were cryin cause a) One wanted someone else to talk to her more often, so decided ignoring her would be the best way to do it, then when the girl got upset at being ignored, she got mad and her friend seemed like she'd done wrong. Well she had. Yet she sat on the bus blaming it on the other person. And b) the other was flirtin with a guy who's girlfriend then told her she was uncomfortable with it. So SHE was in tears cause her friend told her the truth.
I mean...What? =/
Ahh welll =P
Pshwawwwwww
I have never felt truly crap and yet stupidly happy at the same time.
Its really annoying tbh =P
Yes, Helen, Rach, before you comment, i do have constant girlface =)
I even have pink glasses now!! Check me out! =D =P =P
ARghhh i cant even say why im so happy =( Which is somewhat frustrating. Other than its hottie-related.
All his fault =/
=P
Bored. Babbling. Will probably babble more later =P
BYE! =D
Tuesday, 3 March 2009
Who am i..?
Its blatently a hugely philisophical question, and im not even gonna try to answer it, but being annoyingly interested in socioligy and psycology (Even though i cant spell them =P), I notice the crap which im about to write about =P.
Who are we?
In terms of who am i, we normally bring up some sort of label to explain ourselves most in the fewest words.
Three words to describe myself a few months ago, would include, Emo, Christain, depressed.
I would have said these without heasitation. Those three words sum up who I am. Im a person with low self esteem who struggles with dealing with things, but i have a heart for God however much i dont like what people do in his name, and I dont particularly like life but im getting on with it. Surviving.
The thing is though, do we label ourselves them because it sums us up, or does what we sum up result in a label?
Ugly has been my label for an extremly long time. I was given the label, but i rarely wear it any more. It was by being given this label, which made me so. Does that make sense?
The only way to describe what im pictureing in my head at the moment, is with cardboard testimonies. I'll try to remember to put the link at the bottom, but still. People come out on stage showing one side of a peice of cardboard, on which is written something deeply personal, a label about who they were. They flip it over and show who they are now, brighter, happier labels.
OHHHHH THERES A DIFFERENT YOUTUBE VID! Hold on ill try to find the one i mean =P
Im not typing this with a christian message, its just this vid comes with one =)
Who are we?
In terms of who am i, we normally bring up some sort of label to explain ourselves most in the fewest words.
Three words to describe myself a few months ago, would include, Emo, Christain, depressed.
I would have said these without heasitation. Those three words sum up who I am. Im a person with low self esteem who struggles with dealing with things, but i have a heart for God however much i dont like what people do in his name, and I dont particularly like life but im getting on with it. Surviving.
The thing is though, do we label ourselves them because it sums us up, or does what we sum up result in a label?
Ugly has been my label for an extremly long time. I was given the label, but i rarely wear it any more. It was by being given this label, which made me so. Does that make sense?
The only way to describe what im pictureing in my head at the moment, is with cardboard testimonies. I'll try to remember to put the link at the bottom, but still. People come out on stage showing one side of a peice of cardboard, on which is written something deeply personal, a label about who they were. They flip it over and show who they are now, brighter, happier labels.
OHHHHH THERES A DIFFERENT YOUTUBE VID! Hold on ill try to find the one i mean =P
Im not typing this with a christian message, its just this vid comes with one =)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vl4Vc3MKTvg
But do you see?
The labels from other people go to her.
She ends up carrying those labels becase they are what she is given and deals with.
I was labelled Emo.
And i think it helped me to become one, because i knew people would continue to accept me if they already thought i was one.
Does that make sense?
Its like my hatred of stereotypes. If theyre not positive, i try not to use them. We change who people are by how we tell them we percive them.
But what if we give ourselves these labels?
Or re-wear them?
We have to redefine ourselves.
Change who we are for the better.
Realise what labels we've carried for too long and get rid of them.
People want to give them back? Tough. theyre gone =)
So who am i now?Im three things.Im a girlfriend, a christ follower, and an extremly happy girl.
Saturday, 28 February 2009
Friday, 27 February 2009
Happy
I am Happy.
Happy. Content. Excited. Proud. Privalidged. Loved. Happy.
Im happy.
I look forward to school for break and lunch.
I smile everytime someone says his name, which granted, is a little silly, but i cant help it, cause it reminds me of our conversations, of whats happening, someone likes me....
Im not unloved any more.
Im redefined =D
(BTW this is a reminder for me to write my redefined blog =) )
But Im attempting to wrte my testimony, the full one =P Not a nine page one ;-) Just from the bullying to the Godness to the cutting. So i can look back at it in a years time and go, 'Ah, I was such an idiot!' =)
Bored. Babbling. Bye =D x
Happy. Content. Excited. Proud. Privalidged. Loved. Happy.
Im happy.
I look forward to school for break and lunch.
I smile everytime someone says his name, which granted, is a little silly, but i cant help it, cause it reminds me of our conversations, of whats happening, someone likes me....
Im not unloved any more.
Im redefined =D
(BTW this is a reminder for me to write my redefined blog =) )
But Im attempting to wrte my testimony, the full one =P Not a nine page one ;-) Just from the bullying to the Godness to the cutting. So i can look back at it in a years time and go, 'Ah, I was such an idiot!' =)
Bored. Babbling. Bye =D x
Tuesday, 24 February 2009
Hmmmmm
Alot of my posts seem to be overly depressing. Sorry! =D Only place where i can babble everything out =) And apologies I havent blogged in a while. PURE LAZINESS Tis bliss =)
(Is it bliss? Is it bliss? yes it is!! -- Delirious =P)
I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed coffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. And a hug =) Not just any hug! Either an annoying swingy hug which normally i hate, curtusy of the guy who is too tall! =/. Or a mike hug. Im leaning towards a Mike hug, however being sat here blogging means its tricky to get a hug or make coffee.
Hmmmmmmmm. =/ =P
So some good news then =D
Am going out with the overly hot Mikus =D Or Mike, or Micheal, or Hottie depending on what my mood is at the time.
I feel like someone properly cares for the first time in a while, so im pretty damn happy =)
Might also help i like him overly =D
Ive been accused of being a girl, and too happy. I blame him!! =D
It was even hard (Get this =P) to help out Rach-The-Giggles because i was that happy =P She asked me to depress an overly happy Rhiannon =P Normally i can sober her up pretty quick =D But I couldnt!! =P lolllll
Im such a freak. =P Im honestly just waiting until he realises how much of a freak i am and run away, but as he put it, he wouldnt have the energy to run away =P
Downside, fiveawesomeguys ended ='( Charlieissocoollike (<3) is still going though =D
Pshwaw i have so much random energy that i want to blog out but im really really too lazy to =P
Next post may be more interesting. Maybe, hopefully. Need to remember to do my identity one! =D
Bored. Babbling. Bye =)
Hmm so whats been happening....
Ummmmmmmmmmm
(Is it bliss? Is it bliss? yes it is!! -- Delirious =P)
I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed coffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. And a hug =) Not just any hug! Either an annoying swingy hug which normally i hate, curtusy of the guy who is too tall! =/. Or a mike hug. Im leaning towards a Mike hug, however being sat here blogging means its tricky to get a hug or make coffee.
Hmmmmmmmm. =/ =P
So some good news then =D
Am going out with the overly hot Mikus =D Or Mike, or Micheal, or Hottie depending on what my mood is at the time.
I feel like someone properly cares for the first time in a while, so im pretty damn happy =)
Might also help i like him overly =D
Ive been accused of being a girl, and too happy. I blame him!! =D
It was even hard (Get this =P) to help out Rach-The-Giggles because i was that happy =P She asked me to depress an overly happy Rhiannon =P Normally i can sober her up pretty quick =D But I couldnt!! =P lolllll
Im such a freak. =P Im honestly just waiting until he realises how much of a freak i am and run away, but as he put it, he wouldnt have the energy to run away =P
Downside, fiveawesomeguys ended ='( Charlieissocoollike (<3) is still going though =D
Pshwaw i have so much random energy that i want to blog out but im really really too lazy to =P
Next post may be more interesting. Maybe, hopefully. Need to remember to do my identity one! =D
Bored. Babbling. Bye =)
Hmm so whats been happening....
Ummmmmmmmmmm
Saturday, 21 February 2009
TAKWABA UWABA NGA YESU!
Eehehee It makes me smile so much =D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=boKZq6gkgfM
I love this song. Its better than in English!
Takwaba uwaba nga Yesu
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=boKZq6gkgfM
I love this song. Its better than in English!
Takwaba uwaba nga Yesu
Just Be Strong Enough For One Last Song
When I hurt myself, its about me.
Its something that I do thats selfish. I dont care for what others do that might affect me, because it doesnt.
I dont cut because someones upset me.
I dont cut because I get mad.
I cut because I get scared.
I feel alone.
Ive done something wrong and only I can sort myself out.
I cut to get rid of my emotional pain.
Not because someone says no.
I know its all done to try to help me, but I'm sick of being treated like I'm breakable.
Because I'm not.
Im the same me I was before, I'm just handling things differently. It may not be the best way to handle it, but its how i do it now.
I found out reccently a guy I liked a loooong time ago had told me he liked me back, purely because he didnt want me hurting myself over rejection.
Im not hurt that he doesnt like me, im past that, but what really hurts is that its not even the first time. Essentially he lied to me because he feared for what i'd do to myself.
Another guy, before i even started self harming, admitted later after we both admitted we no longer had feelings for each other, told me he didnt ask me out because he remembered that i had told him (In one of our deeper more meaningful chats) that i had THOUGHT about self harm in year SEVEN.
Now these guys are lovely. Theyre trying to protect me and I cant fault them for that.
But theyre lying to me about something I would prefer honesty over any day.
I hate this. I need and crave and reccomend honesty.
But is that the cost of being open about my self harming? My friends are only friends out of pity? What if guys dont tell me the truth? Is this whats happening with the guy I like at the moment?
Im terrified about this.
But what can i do?
Mikus is hawwttt =)
And returning today =)
Theres not much to blog about really.
I've messed up quite a lot this week, which im not sure is a good thing or not, and I may blog about later.
Been going through my old text messages.
When i say old, at the point at which my phone reaches its memory limits, i mean about two, maybe three weeks old.
Andover 250 messages.
I fnd this sliiightly ridiculous. Though some texts really made me laugh =) Theyre all memories, I hate deleting them.
This verse, I found, from Abes random verses that he keeps sending us,
Isaiah 1:18 = "Come now, and let us reason together, says the Lord. Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall be like wool."
Know what else is scarlet? Red like crimson?
It keeps sticking in my head, which is pretty annoying.
Completly different subject now =)
Ever feel like all you want to do is help someone, but you know that nothing you can say will make a difference?
Because its not what you say, but who says it?
Im struggling with it at the moment.
Alot of my friends are going through things, but I cant seem to help any of them. I feel utterly useless and powerless.
It sucks.
Bored. Babbling. Bye.
Theres not much to blog about really.
I've messed up quite a lot this week, which im not sure is a good thing or not, and I may blog about later.
Been going through my old text messages.
When i say old, at the point at which my phone reaches its memory limits, i mean about two, maybe three weeks old.
Andover 250 messages.
I fnd this sliiightly ridiculous. Though some texts really made me laugh =) Theyre all memories, I hate deleting them.
This verse, I found, from Abes random verses that he keeps sending us,
Isaiah 1:18 = "Come now, and let us reason together, says the Lord. Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall be like wool."
Know what else is scarlet? Red like crimson?
It keeps sticking in my head, which is pretty annoying.
Completly different subject now =)
Ever feel like all you want to do is help someone, but you know that nothing you can say will make a difference?
Because its not what you say, but who says it?
Im struggling with it at the moment.
Alot of my friends are going through things, but I cant seem to help any of them. I feel utterly useless and powerless.
It sucks.
Bored. Babbling. Bye.
Wednesday, 18 February 2009
Oh yeah
Why not post hey?
Cutting is still fucking up my life.
Not cutting is pretty much the same.
Only now I'm scared of both.
Cutting is still fucking up my life.
Not cutting is pretty much the same.
Only now I'm scared of both.
Hope- We Shot The Moon
Hope it’s all the I have
The calm in the storm
Is right where I am
Inside of hope
It’s all that I know
It’s what I’m moved for
It’s what I live for
Wave goodbye to a time
That you once believed was everything
I’m ready to liveI’m ready to dream
I’m ready for fear, and love and everything between
Don’t tell me I’m right
Don’t tell me I’m wrong
Just tell me I’m strong enough for one more song
And this could be the one to say it right
Bringing warmth into the night
I’m going to broke, but I’ve got hope
The sound it’s all around
And we can be found
All in good time.
I’m forgiving yesterday
Wishing yesterday would forgive me, but I’ll never see
So wave goodbye to a time
That you once believed was everything
I’m ready to live
I’m ready to dream
I’m ready for fear, love and everything between
Don’t tell me I’m right
Don’t tell me I’m wrong
Just tell me I’m strong enough for one more song
And this could be the one to say it right
Bringing warmth into the night
I’m going to broke, but I’ve got hope
I’m ready to live, I live for hope.
I’m ready to live, I live for hope.
I’m ready to live
I’m ready to dream
I’m ready for fear, love and everything between
Don’t tell me I’m right
Don’t tell me I’m wrong
Just tell me I’m strong enough for one more song
And this could be the one to say it right
Bringing warmth into the night
I’m going to broke, but I’ve got hope
Yeah, I’ve got hope
The calm in the storm
Is right where I am
Inside of hope
It’s all that I know
It’s what I’m moved for
It’s what I live for
Wave goodbye to a time
That you once believed was everything
I’m ready to liveI’m ready to dream
I’m ready for fear, and love and everything between
Don’t tell me I’m right
Don’t tell me I’m wrong
Just tell me I’m strong enough for one more song
And this could be the one to say it right
Bringing warmth into the night
I’m going to broke, but I’ve got hope
The sound it’s all around
And we can be found
All in good time.
I’m forgiving yesterday
Wishing yesterday would forgive me, but I’ll never see
So wave goodbye to a time
That you once believed was everything
I’m ready to live
I’m ready to dream
I’m ready for fear, love and everything between
Don’t tell me I’m right
Don’t tell me I’m wrong
Just tell me I’m strong enough for one more song
And this could be the one to say it right
Bringing warmth into the night
I’m going to broke, but I’ve got hope
I’m ready to live, I live for hope.
I’m ready to live, I live for hope.
I’m ready to live
I’m ready to dream
I’m ready for fear, love and everything between
Don’t tell me I’m right
Don’t tell me I’m wrong
Just tell me I’m strong enough for one more song
And this could be the one to say it right
Bringing warmth into the night
I’m going to broke, but I’ve got hope
Yeah, I’ve got hope
Sway Your Head, We Shot The Moon
Sway your head
Move your feet
Wake yourself from the sleep
If theres a day, theres a way
You can get yourself there
Golden smile, you got style
That they can't take away
Scream and shout, get it out
Before it swallows you
No surprise in these times
How it really gets through
All the walks and the thoughts
But can you break through?
You're alive
So alive
Now c'mon
You gotta pull yourself back together
Give it one more shot
Its now or never
With the new day falling for you
You gotta believe
Build a plan, yes you can
You've got nothing to lose
Look around, up and down
What are you gonna choose?
Can you see the sunrise
That came up for you
You're alive
So alive
Now c'mon
You gotta pull yourself back together
Give it one more shot
Its now or never
With the new day calling for you
You gotta believe
You gotta pull yourself, back in the water
Take in one deep breath
You're getting closer
After all you've talked and seen
You gotta believe
I think its coming back
I think its coming back
I think its coming back to me(x2)
Now I, I feel I'm getting better
Now I, my world is getting better
You gotta pull yourself back together
Give it one more shot
Its now or never
With the new day falling for you
You gotta believe
You gotta pull yourself, back in the water
Take in one deep breath
You're getting closer
After all you've talked and seen
You gotta believe
Move your feet
Wake yourself from the sleep
If theres a day, theres a way
You can get yourself there
Golden smile, you got style
That they can't take away
Scream and shout, get it out
Before it swallows you
No surprise in these times
How it really gets through
All the walks and the thoughts
But can you break through?
You're alive
So alive
Now c'mon
You gotta pull yourself back together
Give it one more shot
Its now or never
With the new day falling for you
You gotta believe
Build a plan, yes you can
You've got nothing to lose
Look around, up and down
What are you gonna choose?
Can you see the sunrise
That came up for you
You're alive
So alive
Now c'mon
You gotta pull yourself back together
Give it one more shot
Its now or never
With the new day calling for you
You gotta believe
You gotta pull yourself, back in the water
Take in one deep breath
You're getting closer
After all you've talked and seen
You gotta believe
I think its coming back
I think its coming back
I think its coming back to me(x2)
Now I, I feel I'm getting better
Now I, my world is getting better
You gotta pull yourself back together
Give it one more shot
Its now or never
With the new day falling for you
You gotta believe
You gotta pull yourself, back in the water
Take in one deep breath
You're getting closer
After all you've talked and seen
You gotta believe
Tuesday, 17 February 2009
Babbling. Violin playing, Cheese slicing, etc.
I am open about my self harming.
But when I stop, it is my decision. Its noone elses.
But 9/10 I need help when i decide to...
I want to write this time about why I'm stopping, my emotions and feelings about it. I want it written so that if i go back to it, I might be able to stop myself.
But I'm terrified it'll turn out like the last time I was open, in which it was thrown back at me.
Im gonna try.
Cutting hasnt done anything for me for a while. Only now it feels like I have to do it, its who i am, its routine, I must...
I dont do it for a reason every time. Its when I sit alone and think, in the silence, thats when I get into a certain mood and only a few people can pull me out of it.
Its often not for a reason. I just feel something I cant explain.
My phone partially helps in this sense. Because I have learnt that some people i rely on can text back, and I can stop myself.
When I talk about being pulled out like this, im not taken over, consumed by creepy deamons or anything like that, im just convinced it the right thing to do.
I call it my freak out.
Some texts convince me otherwise.
Something someone said to me a looong time ago. "If there is anything I can do to help you right now, just say, and i swear I'll do it."
It helped... Because it made me think someone cared that much and really didnt want me doing it.
I didnt really want to do it...I'd promised...
The person i text and promised is in France, at the time probably asleep. It was late. Two other people were texting me but i hadnt told them I was stuffed. When i mentioned I wasnt so great, One told me to text him.
I did. It helped.
But am I wrong to do that? Im putting my troubles on someone else. I got a text this morning from him worried that he hadnt been able to help.
But then he has to deal with part of my troubles. Isnt that selfish?
With some people, i could talk to easily about this. Roseanna for example. Sophie. But they dont have the same effect as talking to someone I cant be sure cares.
Having someone i didnt expect to ever earn even friendship off because theyre so amazing, telling me They love me so much? They cant bear to see me in pain?
On the one hand it terrifys me. So many different ways does that scare me.
But I love it. And I think him also.
I felt almost like this before about a guy. He helped me out with my self harming...But this time, I feel more of a closeness. I really like this guy. And Im terrified I'll mess it up because of my self harming, or in my attempts to stop he'll see how weak i really am...
Im so lost.
And I really like this guy.
Ive babbled long enough. To scared to re-read and proof read, so deal with the mistakes.
But when I stop, it is my decision. Its noone elses.
But 9/10 I need help when i decide to...
I want to write this time about why I'm stopping, my emotions and feelings about it. I want it written so that if i go back to it, I might be able to stop myself.
But I'm terrified it'll turn out like the last time I was open, in which it was thrown back at me.
Im gonna try.
Cutting hasnt done anything for me for a while. Only now it feels like I have to do it, its who i am, its routine, I must...
I dont do it for a reason every time. Its when I sit alone and think, in the silence, thats when I get into a certain mood and only a few people can pull me out of it.
Its often not for a reason. I just feel something I cant explain.
My phone partially helps in this sense. Because I have learnt that some people i rely on can text back, and I can stop myself.
When I talk about being pulled out like this, im not taken over, consumed by creepy deamons or anything like that, im just convinced it the right thing to do.
I call it my freak out.
Some texts convince me otherwise.
Something someone said to me a looong time ago. "If there is anything I can do to help you right now, just say, and i swear I'll do it."
It helped... Because it made me think someone cared that much and really didnt want me doing it.
I didnt really want to do it...I'd promised...
The person i text and promised is in France, at the time probably asleep. It was late. Two other people were texting me but i hadnt told them I was stuffed. When i mentioned I wasnt so great, One told me to text him.
I did. It helped.
But am I wrong to do that? Im putting my troubles on someone else. I got a text this morning from him worried that he hadnt been able to help.
Causing more trouble. Go me.
How could i explain it that it wasnt what he said exactly, though that helped, but the fact he text back? That i'd made a deal with myself, if he cares, i wont..?
But then he has to deal with part of my troubles. Isnt that selfish?
With some people, i could talk to easily about this. Roseanna for example. Sophie. But they dont have the same effect as talking to someone I cant be sure cares.
Having someone i didnt expect to ever earn even friendship off because theyre so amazing, telling me They love me so much? They cant bear to see me in pain?
On the one hand it terrifys me. So many different ways does that scare me.
But I love it. And I think him also.
I felt almost like this before about a guy. He helped me out with my self harming...But this time, I feel more of a closeness. I really like this guy. And Im terrified I'll mess it up because of my self harming, or in my attempts to stop he'll see how weak i really am...
Do I go back to it? Lie to him? It would stop him seeing me in my embarrassing moments where im terrified. I was shaking last night. I learnt what a friend meant when they said they kept forgetting to breathe. I'm a bit scared to look at what form of desperate text i sent, because i cant remember and its a time i usually keep to myself.
Or do i hope a guy i've reccently started to like and get to know better will accept me through something even i cant? He is lovely, a complete sweetheart, but its my issues and even I cant accpet them half the time, and there is no way I'll expect him to accept them.
The last person I hoped I would be able to talk to, I didnt want them to help I just wanted to talk to them, basically said he (This is not a guy thing, he just happens to be male) didnt care.
Rarely do i hope for help. I was shot down last time.
Im so lost.
And I really like this guy.
Ive babbled long enough. To scared to re-read and proof read, so deal with the mistakes.
Monday, 16 February 2009
25 honest truths
I had fun writing the 25 random but True things. But I'm going to attempt to do what Rachel did, which is 25 things that are more honest than should be put on Facebook...
I dont know if i'll manage it.
But I can try.
1. I have been myself properly, about ten or so times in the last five years.
2. I can trace back bullying to my first year of school- being thrown against the wall and hurt.
3. I can remember fully hating myself by the time I was eight.
4. I started Self harming last year
5. I have reccently stopped Self Harming because of a guy. I've done this before- but I want to stick to it this time.
6. Meeting new people is terrifying. Its so easy for me to say the wrong thing or become defensive and ruin everything. I normally go loud or flirty to try to fill any silences.
7. I hate thinking. I have to have time to get away from people to think and when I do I can be an amazing analyst. It works in the way that I can come up with good ideas, but it also means most of the time i know exactly what and why I do what I do.
8. I've hurt myself in more ways than just typical self harming.
9. I dont trust easily but when I do its solid.
10. I get scared of distrust, so my friends know almost every one of my secrets, and im terrified of Silence, so I will always have an ipod or music with me.
11. I can rarely sleep through the night.
12. If i didnt have Ellie, Roseanna, or Sophie, I would not be here.
13. At this moment, i have 79 self inflicted scars, and three accidental scars.
14. I argue with my parents quite alot. I know its typical teenager, but it makes me feel like i should be the perfect daughter which im not so I fail again.
15. I used to get defensive when I got scared, which meant i used violence also. I hate that I did that.
16. God saved my life but I never feel close to him like people claim they do at random moments.
17. I cant imagine myself married, but if I did i think i'd like it.
18. One of my biggest fears is my friends sticking with me out of sympathy. I dont believe anyone truly likes me- its all just various reasons which have nothing to do with honest liking- because if i cant like myself how can anyone else?
19. However I do believe in certain people thoughts for me- which is why I like Leave Out All The Rest so much, by Linkin Park. I dreamed I was missing, and you were so scared. But noone else listened, cause noone else cared. After my dreaming, i woke with this fear- What am I missing, when Im done here?
When my time comes, forget the wrong that Ive done, help me leave behind some reason to be missed.
20. I have so many different masks for different people, I barely know who i am without the mask.
21. Jasper accidently saved me once...Roseanna accidently saved me a few more times...Ellie and Sophie have saved me... and Mike is saving me atm ... Thats how many times I convinced myself people would be better off if i wasnt here and went to do something. I have never told anyone how close I've been that many times.
22. I used to think of myself as Pretty. Im not that stupid any more.
23. Im still laughing about what Ellie told me.
24. I hate attention. I hate my birthday because its all about me. I hate when I'm singled out. I mostly hate compliments. I wear dark clothing because thats what people expect of me.
25. I would love to wear a dress or skirt and feel pretty.
I may change some later, cause I have to go now, but still.
Meh.
I dont know if i'll manage it.
But I can try.
1. I have been myself properly, about ten or so times in the last five years.
2. I can trace back bullying to my first year of school- being thrown against the wall and hurt.
3. I can remember fully hating myself by the time I was eight.
4. I started Self harming last year
5. I have reccently stopped Self Harming because of a guy. I've done this before- but I want to stick to it this time.
6. Meeting new people is terrifying. Its so easy for me to say the wrong thing or become defensive and ruin everything. I normally go loud or flirty to try to fill any silences.
7. I hate thinking. I have to have time to get away from people to think and when I do I can be an amazing analyst. It works in the way that I can come up with good ideas, but it also means most of the time i know exactly what and why I do what I do.
8. I've hurt myself in more ways than just typical self harming.
9. I dont trust easily but when I do its solid.
10. I get scared of distrust, so my friends know almost every one of my secrets, and im terrified of Silence, so I will always have an ipod or music with me.
11. I can rarely sleep through the night.
12. If i didnt have Ellie, Roseanna, or Sophie, I would not be here.
13. At this moment, i have 79 self inflicted scars, and three accidental scars.
14. I argue with my parents quite alot. I know its typical teenager, but it makes me feel like i should be the perfect daughter which im not so I fail again.
15. I used to get defensive when I got scared, which meant i used violence also. I hate that I did that.
16. God saved my life but I never feel close to him like people claim they do at random moments.
17. I cant imagine myself married, but if I did i think i'd like it.
18. One of my biggest fears is my friends sticking with me out of sympathy. I dont believe anyone truly likes me- its all just various reasons which have nothing to do with honest liking- because if i cant like myself how can anyone else?
19. However I do believe in certain people thoughts for me- which is why I like Leave Out All The Rest so much, by Linkin Park. I dreamed I was missing, and you were so scared. But noone else listened, cause noone else cared. After my dreaming, i woke with this fear- What am I missing, when Im done here?
When my time comes, forget the wrong that Ive done, help me leave behind some reason to be missed.
20. I have so many different masks for different people, I barely know who i am without the mask.
21. Jasper accidently saved me once...Roseanna accidently saved me a few more times...Ellie and Sophie have saved me... and Mike is saving me atm ... Thats how many times I convinced myself people would be better off if i wasnt here and went to do something. I have never told anyone how close I've been that many times.
22. I used to think of myself as Pretty. Im not that stupid any more.
23. Im still laughing about what Ellie told me.
24. I hate attention. I hate my birthday because its all about me. I hate when I'm singled out. I mostly hate compliments. I wear dark clothing because thats what people expect of me.
25. I would love to wear a dress or skirt and feel pretty.
I may change some later, cause I have to go now, but still.
Meh.
Sunday, 15 February 2009
Squeak
I actually like someone.
Who likes me back.
Who is also costing me a fortune in texts...
But not the point!!
Eee.
x
Who likes me back.
Who is also costing me a fortune in texts...
But not the point!!
Eee.
x
Saturday, 14 February 2009
I tried...
Okay So i tried.
I tried desperatly to contain myself and not babble about whats actually gone on in the last 48 hours. ITs not working.
So I'll give a bit of a better account =)
Glastonbrooke got cancelled half an hour in because of the snow. We were told in assembly the next mornng that they were "proud of the way the students handled the situation".
Hows that? By pulling the fire alarms, refusng to leave, throwing snowballs, and random raving outside?
Greaaat =)
Mehh. I understand their reasons, but they should blates do another one. Ellie might kill them if they dont.
Ellie came into school yesterdayy =P Seems like ages ago. She fit in as if she'd never left =P Stalked her into town and then back to hers. Me and Roseanna.
And when I say we had a girly night, we REALLY had a girly night. Chips, skittles, Mamma Mia (Including the greatest rendition of Super trooper you can ever imagine) and working out who was who in the movie was really just the begnning.
Laughing at random points when we remember the peice of gossip we heard?
Often =P
Msn? Well yeahh =P There was a lot of girl talk about guys and grrness as you can imagine =) So we went on msn.
Now three people on a single chair?
It wasnt pretty.
One of those really tired and the other two hyper out of their minds?
At one in the morning?
On webcam?
I just feel sorry for our victim =P
So after three cups of coffee back home, I went on to Rachels so we could hang out. She'd been bugging me about coming for aaages...
And shoved me into the living room which was where our other friends were.
I can honestly say i did not get it at first.
Its two weeks after my birthday, so when everyone jumped out, i was just like "Wuuuut?!" =S
And as i dont handle surprises well, and as I was dead at that point, i hid =P
When we were eating I was texting the guy I like...and i turned into the ultimate girl when he sad he likded me. I really do mean the ultimate girl. I was giggling.
Jonny started out horrfied but slowly admitted she was proud of me. I GOT A HUG FROM HER!! WOOOO.
And they WE ALL started singing again. Really, my voice will be gone if this keeps up =P
It was so much fun. And I really had no idea.
But when it comes to the guy, he's goneeee =(
Which sucks somewhat.
Grrr.
But I have some of the most awesomist texts ever =)
And for the first time in a while, I think im okay =) I dont particularly want to open the book, so i think im okay =)
I hope.
And im sooo tired now cause of Fishy. If i fall asleep in church tomorrow, I blame her. =D With the utmost love and affecton =D
Must go. Wet hair must become dry and Smallville must be watched.
Such a geek =D
Loveage
I tried desperatly to contain myself and not babble about whats actually gone on in the last 48 hours. ITs not working.
So I'll give a bit of a better account =)
Glastonbrooke got cancelled half an hour in because of the snow. We were told in assembly the next mornng that they were "proud of the way the students handled the situation".
Hows that? By pulling the fire alarms, refusng to leave, throwing snowballs, and random raving outside?
Greaaat =)
Mehh. I understand their reasons, but they should blates do another one. Ellie might kill them if they dont.
Ellie came into school yesterdayy =P Seems like ages ago. She fit in as if she'd never left =P Stalked her into town and then back to hers. Me and Roseanna.
And when I say we had a girly night, we REALLY had a girly night. Chips, skittles, Mamma Mia (Including the greatest rendition of Super trooper you can ever imagine) and working out who was who in the movie was really just the begnning.
Laughing at random points when we remember the peice of gossip we heard?
Often =P
Msn? Well yeahh =P There was a lot of girl talk about guys and grrness as you can imagine =) So we went on msn.
Now three people on a single chair?
It wasnt pretty.
One of those really tired and the other two hyper out of their minds?
At one in the morning?
On webcam?
I just feel sorry for our victim =P
So after three cups of coffee back home, I went on to Rachels so we could hang out. She'd been bugging me about coming for aaages...
And shoved me into the living room which was where our other friends were.
I can honestly say i did not get it at first.
Its two weeks after my birthday, so when everyone jumped out, i was just like "Wuuuut?!" =S
And as i dont handle surprises well, and as I was dead at that point, i hid =P
When we were eating I was texting the guy I like...and i turned into the ultimate girl when he sad he likded me. I really do mean the ultimate girl. I was giggling.
Jonny started out horrfied but slowly admitted she was proud of me. I GOT A HUG FROM HER!! WOOOO.
And they WE ALL started singing again. Really, my voice will be gone if this keeps up =P
It was so much fun. And I really had no idea.
But when it comes to the guy, he's goneeee =(
Which sucks somewhat.
Grrr.
But I have some of the most awesomist texts ever =)
And for the first time in a while, I think im okay =) I dont particularly want to open the book, so i think im okay =)
I hope.
And im sooo tired now cause of Fishy. If i fall asleep in church tomorrow, I blame her. =D With the utmost love and affecton =D
Must go. Wet hair must become dry and Smallville must be watched.
Such a geek =D
Loveage
Teeheee.
Previously, on Chucks blog....
Valentines Day..... Mine is a bit different this year, in that I think I'm actually starting to like someone...Now, the few girlies of mine who know about this, think this is a good thing....It is not...So im stopping it as of now =)
And now, for the conclusion of the last 24 hours....
HE LIKES ME!
Its a bit crappy, cause I know he sort of likes someone else, so I'm not gonna jump in completly cause he probably still likes her.
BUT HE LIKES ME!
And unfortunatly has now gone on holiday ='( Cant talk to him for another week.
ARGHHH.
Oh and my girlies are amazing. Truely amazing.
They threw me a surprise (I mean two weeks after my birthday, I really had no idea) party, which was truely amazing. I love them =D Thankies!!!
Valentines Day..... Mine is a bit different this year, in that I think I'm actually starting to like someone...Now, the few girlies of mine who know about this, think this is a good thing....It is not...So im stopping it as of now =)
And now, for the conclusion of the last 24 hours....
HE LIKES ME!
Its a bit crappy, cause I know he sort of likes someone else, so I'm not gonna jump in completly cause he probably still likes her.
BUT HE LIKES ME!
And unfortunatly has now gone on holiday ='( Cant talk to him for another week.
ARGHHH.
Oh and my girlies are amazing. Truely amazing.
They threw me a surprise (I mean two weeks after my birthday, I really had no idea) party, which was truely amazing. I love them =D Thankies!!!
Valentines Day
I hate Valentines day.
Dont you find that every person thats single will say that?
Mine is a bit different this year, in that I think I'm actually starting to like someone.
Now, the few girlies of mine who know about this, think this is a good thing.
It is not.
Mostly because I always find a way to get myself hurt before I dare let anything happen. Because I have no chance. And because its a really really stupid idea.
My girlies have attempted to talk me into it. As they do every single time i like someone. But I dont think it would work.
So im stopping it as of now =)
Well, now.
Maybe now.
Stupid Gay Head ='( I want a new one.
Happy Valentines Day all.
Dont you find that every person thats single will say that?
Mine is a bit different this year, in that I think I'm actually starting to like someone.
Now, the few girlies of mine who know about this, think this is a good thing.
It is not.
Mostly because I always find a way to get myself hurt before I dare let anything happen. Because I have no chance. And because its a really really stupid idea.
My girlies have attempted to talk me into it. As they do every single time i like someone. But I dont think it would work.
So im stopping it as of now =)
Well, now.
Maybe now.
Stupid Gay Head ='( I want a new one.
Happy Valentines Day all.
Thursday, 12 February 2009
Mikus is hotttt =)
Im gonna continue to say Mike is hot until he believes it =)
Because he blates is.
Its snowing again. I really hate snow. It messes up everything.
ESPECIALLY as its Glastonbrooke tonight.
Four hours of live, loud, awesome music =) With some of my favouritist people =D Its gonna be great.
Well. Hopefully =D
Cant be bothered to type much atm. TTFN! xxx
Because he blates is.
Its snowing again. I really hate snow. It messes up everything.
ESPECIALLY as its Glastonbrooke tonight.
Four hours of live, loud, awesome music =) With some of my favouritist people =D Its gonna be great.
Well. Hopefully =D
Cant be bothered to type much atm. TTFN! xxx
Wednesday, 11 February 2009
Mike Laws, still, OMW hot =)
I've been told off for placing my inner most secrets on the 'entire internet'.
Which can i point out, the entire internet does NOT read my blog =P
But still. Im working on honesty with people, and this blog is my slow way of trying it =)
So what interesting news have i for today?
Ummmm. Not alot =P
It appears many people are GRRRRing at each other. Or ignoring each other. Or falling in love with each other.
Emotions seem to have gone mad at the moment. Its never slightly, its always an extreme.
And i cant understand it.
Hmmmmmmmmmmm.
Im going through a point of re-evaluating the way I look at people. I guess i took people for the way they are for granted, but i should look closer. I seem to be finding out all these reasons that make my previously called for actions suddenly unreasonable =S
Its confusing.
Ohh and who knew how much guys would like Shagbands? Yeesh!
Which can i point out, the entire internet does NOT read my blog =P
But still. Im working on honesty with people, and this blog is my slow way of trying it =)
So what interesting news have i for today?
Ummmm. Not alot =P
It appears many people are GRRRRing at each other. Or ignoring each other. Or falling in love with each other.
Emotions seem to have gone mad at the moment. Its never slightly, its always an extreme.
And i cant understand it.
Hmmmmmmmmmmm.
Im going through a point of re-evaluating the way I look at people. I guess i took people for the way they are for granted, but i should look closer. I seem to be finding out all these reasons that make my previously called for actions suddenly unreasonable =S
Its confusing.
Ohh and who knew how much guys would like Shagbands? Yeesh!
Tuesday, 10 February 2009
FUCKKK
Is all im good for screwing up peoples lives?
As if my life isnt messed up as it is because of my own stupidity.
In my writing on the side of this blog, its written one of my favourte lines from a song by the Script. 'When a heart breaks it dont break even'.
Well my heart is broken all right. The messy sellotape i used to tape it up last time has come undone. And now i'm just left wondering if the mess is really worth it.
Its no secret that I selfharm. I make no attempt to hide it, because I think hiding it just makes it easier to continue doing. I want to do it- it is my choice- but if i do decide to stop, i know my friends are there where i need them.
Which makes my heart break when people who havent self harmed, or i thought never would have (Hence why told them so much) are now thinking about it. Trying it. Doing it.
WHAT THE HELL?
So if im not messed up enough i have to mess up everyone else?
Is this some sort of sick fucking punishment?
And its not even just that. If its not bad enough they're trying it because I do it, that they're phsically hurting themselves purposly which is something i cant protect them from without being hypocritical, its the fact that they throw the excuses i used straight back at me. The ones that i know were complete lies. The ones that i saw how they reacted to.
It feels like a punch in the stomach.
Like its (and i know it is) my fault.
That i've messed up their lives too.
That my heart is broken.
So why should i be here?
To be completly honest, Im not suicidal, so Im not planning to act on this, but it just feels like if i wasnt here, this wouldnt be in peoples heads. This wouldnt be an issue for my closest friends. People would be dealing with their issues rather than finding the quick fix.
It hurts.
As if my life isnt messed up as it is because of my own stupidity.
In my writing on the side of this blog, its written one of my favourte lines from a song by the Script. 'When a heart breaks it dont break even'.
Well my heart is broken all right. The messy sellotape i used to tape it up last time has come undone. And now i'm just left wondering if the mess is really worth it.
Its no secret that I selfharm. I make no attempt to hide it, because I think hiding it just makes it easier to continue doing. I want to do it- it is my choice- but if i do decide to stop, i know my friends are there where i need them.
Which makes my heart break when people who havent self harmed, or i thought never would have (Hence why told them so much) are now thinking about it. Trying it. Doing it.
WHAT THE HELL?
So if im not messed up enough i have to mess up everyone else?
Is this some sort of sick fucking punishment?
And its not even just that. If its not bad enough they're trying it because I do it, that they're phsically hurting themselves purposly which is something i cant protect them from without being hypocritical, its the fact that they throw the excuses i used straight back at me. The ones that i know were complete lies. The ones that i saw how they reacted to.
It feels like a punch in the stomach.
Like its (and i know it is) my fault.
That i've messed up their lives too.
That my heart is broken.
So why should i be here?
To be completly honest, Im not suicidal, so Im not planning to act on this, but it just feels like if i wasnt here, this wouldnt be in peoples heads. This wouldnt be an issue for my closest friends. People would be dealing with their issues rather than finding the quick fix.
It hurts.
Monday, 9 February 2009
Micheal Laws is still hot.
POTENTIAL FALL OUT BOY SEE - LIVER!!!
=D
Maybe. Hopefully. Parent permitting =P
Hmmm going through serious mental-thought-ouch-be-good-morally moment. Its not going well for my poor head =(
Back at school today. As much as I hate school, with the confusion in my life at the moment, I quite liked going back to the routine, despite the SERIOUSLY CREEPY R.E teacher, who seems to enjoy belittling every member of the class she can.
In one sense i like her, in that she is pretty good at getting our close minded class to look at religious sides for a bit, but in the other sense...
SHES SCARY!!!
At least she hasnt threatened to kill Nick like the last one did. Eesh. RE has something against our class.
ARGHHH DANISH LONGBALL IS POTENTIALLY THE WORSE SPORT EVER FOR OUR PE GROUPS!!!!
They hate loosing.
But they dont want to work to win.
They blame everyone else if they loose.
And then they stand in front of the few people who are trying to do something!!
Arghh!!!
Hate sports =P
Oh. Dilemma.
I might actually be a girl somewhere inside me.
The temptation to get a dress from Tag (Yeah i admit it'd be grungy but i'd look great) is astounding.
I have had Hottie and Fishy try to talk me into it.
The problem?
Yeah. Im an emo. Good luck explaining that to anybody =(
Food, sadly, is more important to me than this blog.
TTFN!
=D
Maybe. Hopefully. Parent permitting =P
Hmmm going through serious mental-thought-ouch-be-good-morally moment. Its not going well for my poor head =(
Back at school today. As much as I hate school, with the confusion in my life at the moment, I quite liked going back to the routine, despite the SERIOUSLY CREEPY R.E teacher, who seems to enjoy belittling every member of the class she can.
In one sense i like her, in that she is pretty good at getting our close minded class to look at religious sides for a bit, but in the other sense...
SHES SCARY!!!
At least she hasnt threatened to kill Nick like the last one did. Eesh. RE has something against our class.
ARGHHH DANISH LONGBALL IS POTENTIALLY THE WORSE SPORT EVER FOR OUR PE GROUPS!!!!
They hate loosing.
But they dont want to work to win.
They blame everyone else if they loose.
And then they stand in front of the few people who are trying to do something!!
Arghh!!!
Hate sports =P
Oh. Dilemma.
I might actually be a girl somewhere inside me.
The temptation to get a dress from Tag (Yeah i admit it'd be grungy but i'd look great) is astounding.
I have had Hottie and Fishy try to talk me into it.
The problem?
Yeah. Im an emo. Good luck explaining that to anybody =(
Food, sadly, is more important to me than this blog.
TTFN!
Sunday, 8 February 2009
Ho hum
Potential boredom. Sat in toddys office while Rach and Toddy discuss ideas.
GAPs tonight. Not sure what I feel about it to be honest. Im not gonna let God in, that much is obvious, but Roseanna and Rach are both worried about it seperatly. Somethings gonna happen.
Hmm. So lifes pretty sucky at the moment really. Not sure i want to write about all of it yet. Hmm.
Church this morning was pretty good. I didnt want to be there at all though, but he had a point.
Hmm Theyre texting Abe for something. Bored. Babbling. Bye.
Ps- Mike Laws is HOT =P
GAPs tonight. Not sure what I feel about it to be honest. Im not gonna let God in, that much is obvious, but Roseanna and Rach are both worried about it seperatly. Somethings gonna happen.
Hmm. So lifes pretty sucky at the moment really. Not sure i want to write about all of it yet. Hmm.
Church this morning was pretty good. I didnt want to be there at all though, but he had a point.
Hmm Theyre texting Abe for something. Bored. Babbling. Bye.
Ps- Mike Laws is HOT =P
Saturday, 7 February 2009
The Silence Scares Me Cause It Screams The Truth
Pink Lyric.
Im not sure how to start this post, i just know that i really want to write it. I was reading Sex God by Rob Bell, the same guy who wrote Jesus wants to save Christians and Velvet Elvis. He talks about ALOT of things, which are all thought provoking and Godly and all that crap, but he has this idea in the middle of the book to answer these questions and be completly honest about them.
Im gonna quote what he says and then answer the questions.
"Have you observed people who have to have the radio on, the television on, or their iPod nearby? Are you one of those pople? One of the reasons some have to always have noise and external stimulus is because theyre terrified of the silence. The stillness. The present. If you stop and rest in the quiet, you will have to listen to what is going on inside you. And this can be frightening.
--
Ask yourself the following questions and write down whatever comes into you mind. Get rid of your edit button.
Seriously, try this. Write out your answers to these questions:
Whats frustrating me right now?
What am i angry about?
What am i scared of?
What am i dreading?
What am i anxious about?
What concerns me?
What is stressing me right not, the smallest thing that i dont want to write down cause it seems so dumb but is actually stressing me?
What am i looking forward to?"
Well, here goes.
Whats frustrating me right now? What am i angry about?
That im not being who i should be, that im scared to talk to my friends in case they freak out at me, that Im not someone likeable or even useable by god or whatever, im frustrated i cant ask the questions i want to ask, im frustrated i cant help people, im frustrated that im hurting and im really frustrated that im this frustrated!!!!
What am i scared of?
Im scared that i'll say something to someone and they'll realise what im covering up or hiding and decide that i really am someone to stay away from, or be pitied or all that crap!
What am i dreading?What am i anxious about?
Admitting im stuck. And posting this blog now!!
What concerns me?
Mum. My friends. People freaking out and me not being able to help. My faith wavering. How i act when i get scared.
What is stressing me right not, the smallest thing that i dont want to write down cause it seems so dumb but is actually stressing me?
What if i really am broken?
What am i looking forward to?
Snow going away so i can have the rain back.
Myehhh. You know in Friends where Phoebe does that rapid fire question thing and the first thing in their mind is always the truth?
Mehh. Thats the surface. Grr. Now to press publish post. Myehh.....
Im not sure how to start this post, i just know that i really want to write it. I was reading Sex God by Rob Bell, the same guy who wrote Jesus wants to save Christians and Velvet Elvis. He talks about ALOT of things, which are all thought provoking and Godly and all that crap, but he has this idea in the middle of the book to answer these questions and be completly honest about them.
Im gonna quote what he says and then answer the questions.
"Have you observed people who have to have the radio on, the television on, or their iPod nearby? Are you one of those pople? One of the reasons some have to always have noise and external stimulus is because theyre terrified of the silence. The stillness. The present. If you stop and rest in the quiet, you will have to listen to what is going on inside you. And this can be frightening.
--
Ask yourself the following questions and write down whatever comes into you mind. Get rid of your edit button.
Seriously, try this. Write out your answers to these questions:
Whats frustrating me right now?
What am i angry about?
What am i scared of?
What am i dreading?
What am i anxious about?
What concerns me?
What is stressing me right not, the smallest thing that i dont want to write down cause it seems so dumb but is actually stressing me?
What am i looking forward to?"
Well, here goes.
Whats frustrating me right now? What am i angry about?
That im not being who i should be, that im scared to talk to my friends in case they freak out at me, that Im not someone likeable or even useable by god or whatever, im frustrated i cant ask the questions i want to ask, im frustrated i cant help people, im frustrated that im hurting and im really frustrated that im this frustrated!!!!
What am i scared of?
Im scared that i'll say something to someone and they'll realise what im covering up or hiding and decide that i really am someone to stay away from, or be pitied or all that crap!
What am i dreading?What am i anxious about?
Admitting im stuck. And posting this blog now!!
What concerns me?
Mum. My friends. People freaking out and me not being able to help. My faith wavering. How i act when i get scared.
What is stressing me right not, the smallest thing that i dont want to write down cause it seems so dumb but is actually stressing me?
What if i really am broken?
What am i looking forward to?
Snow going away so i can have the rain back.
Myehhh. You know in Friends where Phoebe does that rapid fire question thing and the first thing in their mind is always the truth?
Mehh. Thats the surface. Grr. Now to press publish post. Myehh.....
Fooood, glorious fooooooooooooooood =)
Yeah so music is in my head alot at the moment.
Im actually really enjoying trying to play my guitar. My fingers are slowly getting number, thats how often I've tried playing it in the last two days =P
So I have four songs to try to learn =) Two are from my guitar teacher, who is deliriously happy I finally like and can do bar chords, and the other two are my own choosing =D I have Fell In Love Without You by Motion City Soundtrack, which is amazing, if you've never heard it, youtube it, the acoustic version, and the other is Give Thanks To The Lord, the Chris Tomlin version? Its not going too badly to be honest =D
Oh, and the food thing in the title is cause my parents just came back from shopping and have presented me with all sorts of nice tasting food. =D Bliss.
So im hoping my houseboundness will end tomorrow =) Church, friends, and then Gap. Roseannas worried about Gap, and i just dont particularly want to go. If i go, i'll be happier sitting outside listening than inside singing.
Oh and mums sticking in new smoke alarms. Hopefully they wont go off whenever the oven door opens. Well its a good way to tell dinners ready!
Bored. Babbling. Bye.
Im actually really enjoying trying to play my guitar. My fingers are slowly getting number, thats how often I've tried playing it in the last two days =P
So I have four songs to try to learn =) Two are from my guitar teacher, who is deliriously happy I finally like and can do bar chords, and the other two are my own choosing =D I have Fell In Love Without You by Motion City Soundtrack, which is amazing, if you've never heard it, youtube it, the acoustic version, and the other is Give Thanks To The Lord, the Chris Tomlin version? Its not going too badly to be honest =D
Oh, and the food thing in the title is cause my parents just came back from shopping and have presented me with all sorts of nice tasting food. =D Bliss.
So im hoping my houseboundness will end tomorrow =) Church, friends, and then Gap. Roseannas worried about Gap, and i just dont particularly want to go. If i go, i'll be happier sitting outside listening than inside singing.
Oh and mums sticking in new smoke alarms. Hopefully they wont go off whenever the oven door opens. Well its a good way to tell dinners ready!
Bored. Babbling. Bye.
Friday, 6 February 2009
25 Things....
Theres a notes thing going round facebook where you write 25 things =) I quite liked it, so ive done and am posting mine =)
1) I have been known to wait until my parents are out, and then have a all singing all dancing session with Scouting for Girls and Abba =)
2) My top played song from the last few months is The Reason by Hoobastank, because it reminded me of a guy =P "I just want you to know, I've found a reason for me, to change who i used to be, a reason to start over new, and the reason is you!"
3) Im a terrible guitar player =)
4) Im in love with Edward Cullen, but i'd never take him away from Bella =P
5) Every school day, my favourite part of the day is the bus =)
6) I have a weird obsession with Stars. Theres a whole technique for looking at them when you're walking through my village...=P
7) Im a potential Bible Geek (Though i'll never be anywhere as cool as Emily is =P)
8) Annoy me and I'll eat you =P
9) I keep two blogs, one for my deepest secrets =P And one for every day thinking =)
10) Im a writing Geek =P
11) Sophie and Bower corrupted my innocent mind.
12) I thought and still think sometimes about joining the Army when im old enough.
13) I am actually a girl =P And i even act like one sometimes!
14) Fall Out Boy and Skillet and Flyleaf and Scouting for girls and loadsa bands are AMAZING
15) My youth group is going to steal a sheep. On a boat!!
16) Im too scared to keep my secrets, so most people know them =P
17) Im in love with the different versions of Hallelujah, except the newest one =P
18) Micheal Laws is hot =P
19) Heavy rain with a long walk is my idea of heaven =D
20) Town to Goddy with Ellie and Roseanna is one of the best things ever =)
21) I miss fishface like anything
22) Thursday evenings have the best TV =P Bones, Hustle, etc =D
23) I am a truly terrible singer, but that does not stop me! =P
24) The vlogger Charlieissocoollike is actually awesome =D But completly wrong with what he says about fingerless gloves =P Youtube him, hes brilliant =)
25) Photos mean memories which mean everything to me.
1) I have been known to wait until my parents are out, and then have a all singing all dancing session with Scouting for Girls and Abba =)
2) My top played song from the last few months is The Reason by Hoobastank, because it reminded me of a guy =P "I just want you to know, I've found a reason for me, to change who i used to be, a reason to start over new, and the reason is you!"
3) Im a terrible guitar player =)
4) Im in love with Edward Cullen, but i'd never take him away from Bella =P
5) Every school day, my favourite part of the day is the bus =)
6) I have a weird obsession with Stars. Theres a whole technique for looking at them when you're walking through my village...=P
7) Im a potential Bible Geek (Though i'll never be anywhere as cool as Emily is =P)
8) Annoy me and I'll eat you =P
9) I keep two blogs, one for my deepest secrets =P And one for every day thinking =)
10) Im a writing Geek =P
11) Sophie and Bower corrupted my innocent mind.
12) I thought and still think sometimes about joining the Army when im old enough.
13) I am actually a girl =P And i even act like one sometimes!
14) Fall Out Boy and Skillet and Flyleaf and Scouting for girls and loadsa bands are AMAZING
15) My youth group is going to steal a sheep. On a boat!!
16) Im too scared to keep my secrets, so most people know them =P
17) Im in love with the different versions of Hallelujah, except the newest one =P
18) Micheal Laws is hot =P
19) Heavy rain with a long walk is my idea of heaven =D
20) Town to Goddy with Ellie and Roseanna is one of the best things ever =)
21) I miss fishface like anything
22) Thursday evenings have the best TV =P Bones, Hustle, etc =D
23) I am a truly terrible singer, but that does not stop me! =P
24) The vlogger Charlieissocoollike is actually awesome =D But completly wrong with what he says about fingerless gloves =P Youtube him, hes brilliant =)
25) Photos mean memories which mean everything to me.
I HAVE A DREAM!!!
Now, i could go three directions with that heading.
The first, is to do what Miss told us to do in English, I have a Dream! Martin Luthor King style. Make it a doggy version though, so we can be relevant to our coursework.Dont ask =P
The second, is to burst into song. Abba's to be exact! I have a dreammmm.... a song to siiiing =)
Only i cant sing =D
So Instead, I'll cryptically mention my two pretty creepy dreams.
Now you say creepy to people, and they think, horror, weird, etc.
My two dreams were about two guys =P
And no, as Sophie asked, they were not 18 rated =P
It kind of explained quite alot to me though, in that one of those dreams, was about a guy i once liked, and still slightly do. I didnt realise how much until my dream (which ive had ones almost exactly like it before) had him telling me its unlikely we'll go out, and I tell him how its okay because i knew that and expected it. By the end of the dream though, thats apparently disreguarded =P So from that im getting that i would still give anything to be his, but Ive given up wishing for it.
The other one involved being snowed in and sleeping. That was all. But the guy was lovely. Obv names arent gonna be mentioned =P So Im guessing the wish for closeness and being wanted is high on my sub concious's mind =P
Ahhaa im such a freak =P
Its snowing again
I reaaaally dont like snow. Love Snowdays. Hate snow =( I will grant that it looks pretty. However it is cold and wet and yucky.
Erghhh!
The first, is to do what Miss told us to do in English, I have a Dream! Martin Luthor King style. Make it a doggy version though, so we can be relevant to our coursework.Dont ask =P
The second, is to burst into song. Abba's to be exact! I have a dreammmm.... a song to siiiing =)
Only i cant sing =D
So Instead, I'll cryptically mention my two pretty creepy dreams.
Now you say creepy to people, and they think, horror, weird, etc.
My two dreams were about two guys =P
And no, as Sophie asked, they were not 18 rated =P
It kind of explained quite alot to me though, in that one of those dreams, was about a guy i once liked, and still slightly do. I didnt realise how much until my dream (which ive had ones almost exactly like it before) had him telling me its unlikely we'll go out, and I tell him how its okay because i knew that and expected it. By the end of the dream though, thats apparently disreguarded =P So from that im getting that i would still give anything to be his, but Ive given up wishing for it.
The other one involved being snowed in and sleeping. That was all. But the guy was lovely. Obv names arent gonna be mentioned =P So Im guessing the wish for closeness and being wanted is high on my sub concious's mind =P
Ahhaa im such a freak =P
Its snowing again
I reaaaally dont like snow. Love Snowdays. Hate snow =( I will grant that it looks pretty. However it is cold and wet and yucky.
Erghhh!
Thursday, 5 February 2009
POEM Life in Love
Life in Love - Robert Browning
Escape me?
Never---
Beloved!
While I am I, and you are you,
So long as the world contains us both,
Me the loving and you the loth
While the one eludes, must the other pursue.
My life is a fault at last, I fear:
It seems too much like a fate, indeed!
Though I do my best I shall scarce succeed.
But what if I fail of my purpose here?
It is but to keep the nerves at strain,
To dry one's eyes and laugh at a fall,
And, baffled, get up and begin again,---
So the chace takes up one's life ' that's all.
While, look but once from your farthest bound
At me so deep in the dust and dark,
No sooner the old hope goes to ground
Than a new one, straight to the self-same mark,
I shape me---
Ever
Removed!
Italics for the reason i like the poem.
Escape me?
Never---
Beloved!
While I am I, and you are you,
So long as the world contains us both,
Me the loving and you the loth
While the one eludes, must the other pursue.
My life is a fault at last, I fear:
It seems too much like a fate, indeed!
Though I do my best I shall scarce succeed.
But what if I fail of my purpose here?
It is but to keep the nerves at strain,
To dry one's eyes and laugh at a fall,
And, baffled, get up and begin again,---
So the chace takes up one's life ' that's all.
While, look but once from your farthest bound
At me so deep in the dust and dark,
No sooner the old hope goes to ground
Than a new one, straight to the self-same mark,
I shape me---
Ever
Removed!
Italics for the reason i like the poem.
Wednesday, 4 February 2009
I guess i never said it yesterday, but i'm officially old.
Another year. Its more interesting thinking about where I was a year ago, which was recharge, my first real experience of God where everything seemed so new and real.
Now it just feels like routine.
Ahh well. It was more interesting to see who forgot my birthday than the actual day was.
Although the Vegetales cake made it totally worth it =D
Tuesday, 3 February 2009
This post is dedicated to....
This post is dedicated to....
Sophie.
Because you see, i know its an overdone thing to do, but Im surrounded by annoyingly amazing people =) And none of them seem to have any idea how amazing they actually are.
So heres the thing, every now and again one post will be dedicated to one of the many many awesome people I know. Then they might actually get it into their heads I couldnt live without them.
Soooo Sophie =D
This beautiful girly has said so many times reccently the word to sum her up is 'Average'. 'Nothing special'. 'Overlooked'.
And to be honest, thats one of the biggest loads of rubbish i've ever heard =P
There are some people who rescue you from where you were lost. There are people who can tell you they care by looking at you. There are people who you could trust with your life.
Sophie is one of them.
I love Sophie for so many reasons. She accepts me. She makes me who i am (Battlefields springs to mind...=P). Ive been so low, changed so many things about myself, and yet shes always there for me. Shes never judged me, shes never hated me (I hope!) and she is one of the greatest friends i could possible wish for, and in no way deserve.
She is beautiful, both physically and emotionally. Shes the type of friend you can write about in stories, the one the best friend falls in love with at the end of the movie (Though I hope she doesnt mind that i wont be falling in love with her other than in the way i already am =P).
And she cant see any of it.
Which partially gives her the charm of her Sophie-ness.
But i wish she could see herself how everyone else does, maybe just once. She'd see a tall, skinny girl, with glasses and curly brown hair, with eyes that i swear sparkle, however many times that cliche may have been used =P. She's see a girl with a smile that lights up wherever she is, a quick and immensly clever mind, and a girl who is not afraid of who she is.
She'd see a girl whose friends would be lost without her, who would put more value on her than anything.
If we could literally measure her heart, it would put ours to shame.
And i love her.
More than i could ever write about.
Because, blates she's awesome =D
Sophie.
Because you see, i know its an overdone thing to do, but Im surrounded by annoyingly amazing people =) And none of them seem to have any idea how amazing they actually are.
So heres the thing, every now and again one post will be dedicated to one of the many many awesome people I know. Then they might actually get it into their heads I couldnt live without them.
Soooo Sophie =D
This beautiful girly has said so many times reccently the word to sum her up is 'Average'. 'Nothing special'. 'Overlooked'.
And to be honest, thats one of the biggest loads of rubbish i've ever heard =P
There are some people who rescue you from where you were lost. There are people who can tell you they care by looking at you. There are people who you could trust with your life.
Sophie is one of them.
I love Sophie for so many reasons. She accepts me. She makes me who i am (Battlefields springs to mind...=P). Ive been so low, changed so many things about myself, and yet shes always there for me. Shes never judged me, shes never hated me (I hope!) and she is one of the greatest friends i could possible wish for, and in no way deserve.
She is beautiful, both physically and emotionally. Shes the type of friend you can write about in stories, the one the best friend falls in love with at the end of the movie (Though I hope she doesnt mind that i wont be falling in love with her other than in the way i already am =P).
And she cant see any of it.
Which partially gives her the charm of her Sophie-ness.
But i wish she could see herself how everyone else does, maybe just once. She'd see a tall, skinny girl, with glasses and curly brown hair, with eyes that i swear sparkle, however many times that cliche may have been used =P. She's see a girl with a smile that lights up wherever she is, a quick and immensly clever mind, and a girl who is not afraid of who she is.
She'd see a girl whose friends would be lost without her, who would put more value on her than anything.
If we could literally measure her heart, it would put ours to shame.
And i love her.
More than i could ever write about.
Because, blates she's awesome =D
Monday, 2 February 2009
I am sorry my conscience called in sick again.
They call kids like us vicious and carved out of stone
But for what we become, we just feel more alone.
I have found a reccent love of Lyrics. I mean flyleaf are like =O atm =) Completly awesome. That was an FOB quote, which having read someone elses blog post seems true =). Vicious and carved out of stone, feeling more alone...It kinda fits =)
Im kinda mixed completly with who and what i am at the moment.
Im a christian girl, dedicated to God and helping other people. I pray, i have an okay knowledge of the bible, I'll stand up for it in RE.
But Im also a teenager, experiencing new things, new thoughts and feelings. And they dont really match up to who I want to be, who I think I am or who I should be.
But then i dont know which is me. Am i the girl who will laugh at sexual jokes and innuendoes, do things she shouldnt enjoy, or am I the girl with the pastoral side who has God within her?
So confused.
But i guess thats what a teenager is all about, working out who i am =( I need soul survivor. It made more sense last year.
But again, im conflicted =P I know what happened with Roseanna, I know the pain she went through when she fought God every step of the way. But i know the pain I went through last year, when i didnt have so much to deal with, when i was more or less okay. I saw the pain when Rach let him in. What the hell do i do? Run? Let him in? Fight? Arghhhh. Scared.
And im really worried about Fee. And Lanni. And arghh.
Grr.
Sucks =(
Loveage x
But for what we become, we just feel more alone.
I have found a reccent love of Lyrics. I mean flyleaf are like =O atm =) Completly awesome. That was an FOB quote, which having read someone elses blog post seems true =). Vicious and carved out of stone, feeling more alone...It kinda fits =)
Im kinda mixed completly with who and what i am at the moment.
Im a christian girl, dedicated to God and helping other people. I pray, i have an okay knowledge of the bible, I'll stand up for it in RE.
But Im also a teenager, experiencing new things, new thoughts and feelings. And they dont really match up to who I want to be, who I think I am or who I should be.
But then i dont know which is me. Am i the girl who will laugh at sexual jokes and innuendoes, do things she shouldnt enjoy, or am I the girl with the pastoral side who has God within her?
So confused.
But i guess thats what a teenager is all about, working out who i am =( I need soul survivor. It made more sense last year.
But again, im conflicted =P I know what happened with Roseanna, I know the pain she went through when she fought God every step of the way. But i know the pain I went through last year, when i didnt have so much to deal with, when i was more or less okay. I saw the pain when Rach let him in. What the hell do i do? Run? Let him in? Fight? Arghhhh. Scared.
And im really worried about Fee. And Lanni. And arghh.
Grr.
Sucks =(
Loveage x
Monday, 26 January 2009
Really corney...
You know you get them crappy things on bebo or facebook, that someone'll like and put on their bloggy thing, like 'Why cant he see i just want him to care about me?' kinda things?
Ive turned into one of them. Oh dear =(
I have no feelings for him now, but not long ago i had massive feelings for this guy...And a friend is trying to convince me to tell him about something. But to be honest...I'd rather he cared enough to tell, or to ask...I know thats rubbish cause hes not a mind reader, but still. Why is it other people can tell when i dont want them to, and he cant even though im trying so hard to let him see?
Im such a dramatist.
Erghh
Bad head. Ow.
Ive turned into one of them. Oh dear =(
I have no feelings for him now, but not long ago i had massive feelings for this guy...And a friend is trying to convince me to tell him about something. But to be honest...I'd rather he cared enough to tell, or to ask...I know thats rubbish cause hes not a mind reader, but still. Why is it other people can tell when i dont want them to, and he cant even though im trying so hard to let him see?
Im such a dramatist.
Erghh
Bad head. Ow.
Oh I just cant wait to be kiiiiiinnnnngggg =)
However, I can wait for the need to tidy my room.
Why is that a typical teenage thing rather than just a normal person thing?
Is it somehow symbollic of a teenagers life? :P
If thats true im pretty messed up :P
I have to do it.... Whilst watching Smallville
Why is that a typical teenage thing rather than just a normal person thing?
Is it somehow symbollic of a teenagers life? :P
If thats true im pretty messed up :P
I have to do it.... Whilst watching Smallville
IM OUT OF SMALLVILLE EPISODES!!
This sucks somewhat.
And i dont even have hustle DVDs cause they still havent come =(
Oh and my symbollic mood has gone out the window =P Lazy me left this in drafts ages ago, and in that time my room has been tidied, and im even more messed up than usual.
Hmmmmm.
Ever Felt....
Really guilty about something....
But only because you know you should feel guilty...but don't?
It Sucks =P
But only because you know you should feel guilty...but don't?
It Sucks =P
Saturday, 24 January 2009
Journal Vs Blog
I can either make my random posts as often as i feel like it, or wait for something interesting to happen.
If its that interesting, it probably wont be THIS blog that i write on, so yay for the random blogs.
My current thoughts?
Is it better to have a blog or a diary?
Cause ive had both...and even though i havent written in my diary since early December, and not for months before then, i still guard it like anything =P Theres no chance of people reading it so i can be as honest as i like, saying things i cant confess outloud, babbling about some random oxfam guy who gave me a marble and told me to keep smiling when i was feeling terrible....
But a blog cures boredom, and people can read it and keep up with whats happening...etc =P
Hmmmmmmm.
Expect more random thoughts soon =P
Oh, and you make it real for me.
If its that interesting, it probably wont be THIS blog that i write on, so yay for the random blogs.
My current thoughts?
Is it better to have a blog or a diary?
Cause ive had both...and even though i havent written in my diary since early December, and not for months before then, i still guard it like anything =P Theres no chance of people reading it so i can be as honest as i like, saying things i cant confess outloud, babbling about some random oxfam guy who gave me a marble and told me to keep smiling when i was feeling terrible....
But a blog cures boredom, and people can read it and keep up with whats happening...etc =P
Hmmmmmmm.
Expect more random thoughts soon =P
Oh, and you make it real for me.
POEM I Believe - Kayla Neil
I asked the most beautiful person i know to send me a poem she liked.
She sent me this...
I Believe
I believe that the sun shines after the rain
I believe if you don't get hurt you'll never gain
I believe in not doing things the easy way
I believe that being selfish doesn’t pay
I believe in a second chance
I believe in a life long romance
I believe there is life after death
And standing up to a life of mess
I believe in love at first sight
I believe that revenge isn’t right
I believe that first impressions last
And there is nothing better then a good laugh
I believe that dreams do come true
I believe there's destiny for me and you
I believe that good things come to those who wait
I believe love never arrives too late
I believe something good comes from something bad
I believe that for tears of happiness there are tears of sad
I believe everyone has a guardian angel
And the good you do will be rewarded well
I believe sometimes there is no explanation
I believe money can't buy people's affection
I believe you don't know what you've got until it's gone
I believe a new day arrives with every dawn
I believe a smile can be contagious
I believe in being very outrageous
I believe in living with no regrets
I believe that life is as good as it gets
I believe that God watches over us
I believe the little things are worth the fuss
I believe you have each friend for a reason
I believe you will get punished for treason
I believe that what comes first is family
I believe we should all live in harmony
I believe in making the most of a beautiful day
And it's not the end until everything's okay
I believe absence makes the heart grow fonder
I believe you will lose if you sit and wonder
I believe every experience teaches you a lesson
And nothing cures better then a drinking session
I believe everyone has one true love
I believe sometimes we need a little shove
I believe the whole world is a stage
I believe we only get better with age
I believe that to learn you have to live
I believe that to love someone you have to giveI
believe one moment can change your life
And there's still help when you’re in strife
I believe everyone has one true friend
I believe love helps a broken heart mend
I believe in the power of a song
And things will change before too long
I believe living is the best experience
I believe in not laughing at other people’s expense
I believe it’s hard to watch a lover leave
And when they’re gone all you can do is breath
I believe to always look on the bright side
I believe that life is just one big ride
I believe when I die people will grieve
But it’s ok because I believe Kayla Neil
She sent me this...
I Believe
I believe that the sun shines after the rain
I believe if you don't get hurt you'll never gain
I believe in not doing things the easy way
I believe that being selfish doesn’t pay
I believe in a second chance
I believe in a life long romance
I believe there is life after death
And standing up to a life of mess
I believe in love at first sight
I believe that revenge isn’t right
I believe that first impressions last
And there is nothing better then a good laugh
I believe that dreams do come true
I believe there's destiny for me and you
I believe that good things come to those who wait
I believe love never arrives too late
I believe something good comes from something bad
I believe that for tears of happiness there are tears of sad
I believe everyone has a guardian angel
And the good you do will be rewarded well
I believe sometimes there is no explanation
I believe money can't buy people's affection
I believe you don't know what you've got until it's gone
I believe a new day arrives with every dawn
I believe a smile can be contagious
I believe in being very outrageous
I believe in living with no regrets
I believe that life is as good as it gets
I believe that God watches over us
I believe the little things are worth the fuss
I believe you have each friend for a reason
I believe you will get punished for treason
I believe that what comes first is family
I believe we should all live in harmony
I believe in making the most of a beautiful day
And it's not the end until everything's okay
I believe absence makes the heart grow fonder
I believe you will lose if you sit and wonder
I believe every experience teaches you a lesson
And nothing cures better then a drinking session
I believe everyone has one true love
I believe sometimes we need a little shove
I believe the whole world is a stage
I believe we only get better with age
I believe that to learn you have to live
I believe that to love someone you have to giveI
believe one moment can change your life
And there's still help when you’re in strife
I believe everyone has one true friend
I believe love helps a broken heart mend
I believe in the power of a song
And things will change before too long
I believe living is the best experience
I believe in not laughing at other people’s expense
I believe it’s hard to watch a lover leave
And when they’re gone all you can do is breath
I believe to always look on the bright side
I believe that life is just one big ride
I believe when I die people will grieve
But it’s ok because I believe Kayla Neil
POEM And God Said "No" Author: Claudia Minden Welsz
I dont know if youve noticed my new poetry liking.
Dunno why.
It'll pass eventually =P
Graffiti by the artist Jesus Saves.
Original =P
And God Said "No" Author: Claudia Minden Welsz
I asked God to take away my pain.
God said, No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.
I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, No.
Her spirit was whole, her body was only temporary.
I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No.
Patience is a by-product of tribulations; it isn't granted, it is earned.
I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No.
I give you blessings. Happiness is up to you.
I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me.
I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No.
You must grow on your own, but I will prune you to make you fruitful.
I asked for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, No.
I will give you life so that you may enjoy all things.
I ask God to help me LOVE others, as much as he loves me.
God said... Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.
POEM God it hurts - Amy Louise Kerswell
I said 'God it hurts' 
And God said 'I Know'
I said 'God I cry alot'
And God said 'That's why I gave you tears'
I said 'God I get so depressed'
And God said 'That why I gave you sunshine'
I said God I feel Alone'
And God said 'That's why I gave you loved ones'
I said 'God my loved one is dead'
And God said'I watched mine nailed to the cross'
I said God 'Where are they?'
And God said 'Mine is on my right and yours is in the light.'
I said 'God it hurts'
And God said 'I know'
And God said 'I Know'
I said 'God I cry alot'
And God said 'That's why I gave you tears'
I said 'God I get so depressed'
And God said 'That why I gave you sunshine'
I said God I feel Alone'
And God said 'That's why I gave you loved ones'
I said 'God my loved one is dead'
And God said'I watched mine nailed to the cross'
I said God 'Where are they?'
And God said 'Mine is on my right and yours is in the light.'
I said 'God it hurts'
And God said 'I know'
Found it on the internet. Picture is Banksy
Friday, 23 January 2009
Banksyyy Babyyyy
Yeah...So I'm in love with Banksy =P
You'll probably see his things around my blog, I think he's amazing how he challenges what people expect, changing crime into what we might need to see, problems with laws, government...And they have an amazing sense of humour sometimes =)
Haha, just read on wikipedia (Attempt to seem smart here, go with it =P) "Diane Shakespeare, an official for the same organisation, was quoted as saying: "We are concerned that Banksy's street art glorifies what is essentially vandalism"
That is an amazing quote.
"We are concerned that Banksy's street art glorifies what is essentially vandalism"
Basically, he went against conformity (Reminds me of my old blog here =P) and theyre hissy fitting about it because it might cause a problem. Its a form of art, something to be encouraged, and yet label him a common criminal.
Yeah well, so was Jesus =P (Supposedly a common criminal that is, not a street artist =P)
Doesnt this say alot about our country? Something cant be different, or against the grain, or unique. I dont know if its meant to be like that, but we need to change who we are, stop getting mad at people who make a statement.
Not keen on the language, but the guy said this...
"Think outside the box, collapse the box, and take a fucking sharp knife to it."
Get the picture? =P
Random rant over =)
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