Babbling. Violin playing, Cheese slicing, etc.

I am open about my self harming.




But when I stop, it is my decision. Its noone elses.




But 9/10 I need help when i decide to...




I want to write this time about why I'm stopping, my emotions and feelings about it. I want it written so that if i go back to it, I might be able to stop myself.





But I'm terrified it'll turn out like the last time I was open, in which it was thrown back at me.





Im gonna try.








Cutting hasnt done anything for me for a while. Only now it feels like I have to do it, its who i am, its routine, I must...


I dont do it for a reason every time. Its when I sit alone and think, in the silence, thats when I get into a certain mood and only a few people can pull me out of it.


Its often not for a reason. I just feel something I cant explain.





My phone partially helps in this sense. Because I have learnt that some people i rely on can text back, and I can stop myself.





When I talk about being pulled out like this, im not taken over, consumed by creepy deamons or anything like that, im just convinced it the right thing to do.





I call it my freak out.





Some texts convince me otherwise.





Something someone said to me a looong time ago. "If there is anything I can do to help you right now, just say, and i swear I'll do it."





It helped... Because it made me think someone cared that much and really didnt want me doing it.

Yesterday I freaked out...I didnt know what to do.



I didnt really want to do it...I'd promised...


The person i text and promised is in France, at the time probably asleep. It was late. Two other people were texting me but i hadnt told them I was stuffed. When i mentioned I wasnt so great, One told me to text him.


I did. It helped.





But am I wrong to do that? Im putting my troubles on someone else. I got a text this morning from him worried that he hadnt been able to help.

Causing more trouble. Go me.

How could i explain it that it wasnt what he said exactly, though that helped, but the fact he text back? That i'd made a deal with myself, if he cares, i wont..?





But then he has to deal with part of my troubles. Isnt that selfish?





With some people, i could talk to easily about this. Roseanna for example. Sophie. But they dont have the same effect as talking to someone I cant be sure cares.





Having someone i didnt expect to ever earn even friendship off because theyre so amazing, telling me They love me so much? They cant bear to see me in pain?





On the one hand it terrifys me. So many different ways does that scare me.





But I love it. And I think him also.





I felt almost like this before about a guy. He helped me out with my self harming...But this time, I feel more of a closeness. I really like this guy. And Im terrified I'll mess it up because of my self harming, or in my attempts to stop he'll see how weak i really am...

Do I go back to it? Lie to him? It would stop him seeing me in my embarrassing moments where im terrified. I was shaking last night. I learnt what a friend meant when they said they kept forgetting to breathe. I'm a bit scared to look at what form of desperate text i sent, because i cant remember and its a time i usually keep to myself.

Or do i hope a guy i've reccently started to like and get to know better will accept me through something even i cant? He is lovely, a complete sweetheart, but its my issues and even I cant accpet them half the time, and there is no way I'll expect him to accept them.

The last person I hoped I would be able to talk to, I didnt want them to help I just wanted to talk to them, basically said he (This is not a guy thing, he just happens to be male) didnt care.
Rarely do i hope for help. I was shot down last time.

I dont know.


Im so lost.


And I really like this guy.

Ive babbled long enough. To scared to re-read and proof read, so deal with the mistakes.