Is all im good for screwing up peoples lives?
As if my life isnt messed up as it is because of my own stupidity.
In my writing on the side of this blog, its written one of my favourte lines from a song by the Script. 'When a heart breaks it dont break even'.
Well my heart is broken all right. The messy sellotape i used to tape it up last time has come undone. And now i'm just left wondering if the mess is really worth it.
Its no secret that I selfharm. I make no attempt to hide it, because I think hiding it just makes it easier to continue doing. I want to do it- it is my choice- but if i do decide to stop, i know my friends are there where i need them.
Which makes my heart break when people who havent self harmed, or i thought never would have (Hence why told them so much) are now thinking about it. Trying it. Doing it.
WHAT THE HELL?
So if im not messed up enough i have to mess up everyone else?
Is this some sort of sick fucking punishment?
And its not even just that. If its not bad enough they're trying it because I do it, that they're phsically hurting themselves purposly which is something i cant protect them from without being hypocritical, its the fact that they throw the excuses i used straight back at me. The ones that i know were complete lies. The ones that i saw how they reacted to.
It feels like a punch in the stomach.
Like its (and i know it is) my fault.
That i've messed up their lives too.
That my heart is broken.
So why should i be here?
To be completly honest, Im not suicidal, so Im not planning to act on this, but it just feels like if i wasnt here, this wouldnt be in peoples heads. This wouldnt be an issue for my closest friends. People would be dealing with their issues rather than finding the quick fix.
It hurts.
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It is NOT your fault, never think that. People act on their own, they choose to do things, they may use you as an excuse but it isn't your fault.
ReplyDeleteyou MUST NOT believe that lie.
You are here because you are loved. End of story
And yet there was no way she would have even considered it if i hadnt been talking to her about it?!
ReplyDeleteI may be loved but i mess up everything else.
No swearing please, my poor innocent ears!
ReplyDeleteIt's my fault not yours
I spoke to her about it first
My fault not yours.
Sorry about your ears.
ReplyDeleteAnd i was the one who said i think we can tell her.
Back to my fault again.
Hello, what about whoever gave to 2 the belief! It will keep going back and back and back until you blame eve for taking a bite out of that frigging piece of fruit!
ReplyDeleteIt doesnt work that way, just because you say something doesnt mean its your fault. I once said to jenny that i hope she died, if she did, wouldnt be my fault.
stop blaming yourselves.
It is this girls responsiblity, and as you both know it takes more then someone talking about self harm for you to do it. There is something in you that genuinly feels/felt its the "best" way.
And if she hadn't of heard it from you she would of picked it up from someone else. Its not like its never mentioned on the news or anything.
Get over yourselves!
I love you both, but you are idiots at time. Everyone makes mistakes but stop taking credit for the things you can't control and arent your fault.