25 honest truths

I had fun writing the 25 random but True things. But I'm going to attempt to do what Rachel did, which is 25 things that are more honest than should be put on Facebook...

I dont know if i'll manage it.
But I can try.

1. I have been myself properly, about ten or so times in the last five years.

2. I can trace back bullying to my first year of school- being thrown against the wall and hurt.

3. I can remember fully hating myself by the time I was eight.

4. I started Self harming last year

5. I have reccently stopped Self Harming because of a guy. I've done this before- but I want to stick to it this time.

6. Meeting new people is terrifying. Its so easy for me to say the wrong thing or become defensive and ruin everything. I normally go loud or flirty to try to fill any silences.

7. I hate thinking. I have to have time to get away from people to think and when I do I can be an amazing analyst. It works in the way that I can come up with good ideas, but it also means most of the time i know exactly what and why I do what I do.

8. I've hurt myself in more ways than just typical self harming.

9. I dont trust easily but when I do its solid.

10. I get scared of distrust, so my friends know almost every one of my secrets, and im terrified of Silence, so I will always have an ipod or music with me.

11. I can rarely sleep through the night.

12. If i didnt have Ellie, Roseanna, or Sophie, I would not be here.

13. At this moment, i have 79 self inflicted scars, and three accidental scars.

14. I argue with my parents quite alot. I know its typical teenager, but it makes me feel like i should be the perfect daughter which im not so I fail again.

15. I used to get defensive when I got scared, which meant i used violence also. I hate that I did that.

16. God saved my life but I never feel close to him like people claim they do at random moments.

17. I cant imagine myself married, but if I did i think i'd like it.

18. One of my biggest fears is my friends sticking with me out of sympathy. I dont believe anyone truly likes me- its all just various reasons which have nothing to do with honest liking- because if i cant like myself how can anyone else?

19. However I do believe in certain people thoughts for me- which is why I like Leave Out All The Rest so much, by Linkin Park. I dreamed I was missing, and you were so scared. But noone else listened, cause noone else cared. After my dreaming, i woke with this fear- What am I missing, when Im done here?
When my time comes, forget the wrong that Ive done, help me leave behind some reason to be missed.

20. I have so many different masks for different people, I barely know who i am without the mask.

21. Jasper accidently saved me once...Roseanna accidently saved me a few more times...Ellie and Sophie have saved me... and Mike is saving me atm ... Thats how many times I convinced myself people would be better off if i wasnt here and went to do something. I have never told anyone how close I've been that many times.

22. I used to think of myself as Pretty. Im not that stupid any more.

23. Im still laughing about what Ellie told me.

24. I hate attention. I hate my birthday because its all about me. I hate when I'm singled out. I mostly hate compliments. I wear dark clothing because thats what people expect of me.

25. I would love to wear a dress or skirt and feel pretty.

I may change some later, cause I have to go now, but still.
Meh.