When I was younger, for reasons that Im not going to use as an excuse, I was a complete bitch.
I've been listening to Relient K for a while now, and they have a great song called "Who I am Hates Who I've been'.
This is true =)
I was unbelieveably defensive, totally rude and way too violent. Even I cant believe how terrible I was.
And Im so, so sorry.
I could make excuses, explain why I did it, why i never liked insulting someone, or hitting someone, but Im not going to.
Because the blame was mine, whether i had an excuse or not, I did it and Im sorry.
One day, I'll be able to apologise to the people at my old school for what I was like. I have changed. I just hope I can get the guts to do it soon =) =P
Monday, 9 March 2009
Sunday, 8 March 2009
MONUMENTAL MOMENT!!!
Today, at some point around one-ish....
MICHAEL JAMES LAWS SKIPPED!!!!
It was scarier than i thought it'd be =P But was amazing!! =P
xx
MICHAEL JAMES LAWS SKIPPED!!!!
It was scarier than i thought it'd be =P But was amazing!! =P
xx
Wednesday, 4 March 2009
Owwww
My head hurtssssss =(
Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
I kinda realised I havent blogged as manically as I have been before =P
I guess its cause im happier. Less to complain about =)
Well, that, and that most of the time I have msn on at the same time, and most people demand my attention =)
However it is a quiet time (Bloomin noone interestings online. GRR! =P) so I thought i'd blog a bit. Why not? =P
Do you ever feel like people just dont have perspective? =P
Ahaa, Orienteering, at the park for PE, the girls would NOT stop complaining about the mud. I was a bit like...Really? Soul Survivor? =P
But when two girls on the bus are in tears because they've had a tiny tiff with their mates...? Argh. When i cry its cause im geniuinly scared im gonna loose someone. They were cryin cause a) One wanted someone else to talk to her more often, so decided ignoring her would be the best way to do it, then when the girl got upset at being ignored, she got mad and her friend seemed like she'd done wrong. Well she had. Yet she sat on the bus blaming it on the other person. And b) the other was flirtin with a guy who's girlfriend then told her she was uncomfortable with it. So SHE was in tears cause her friend told her the truth.
I mean...What? =/
Ahh welll =P
Pshwawwwwww
I have never felt truly crap and yet stupidly happy at the same time.
Its really annoying tbh =P
Yes, Helen, Rach, before you comment, i do have constant girlface =)
I even have pink glasses now!! Check me out! =D =P =P
ARghhh i cant even say why im so happy =( Which is somewhat frustrating. Other than its hottie-related.
All his fault =/
=P
Bored. Babbling. Will probably babble more later =P
BYE! =D
Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
I kinda realised I havent blogged as manically as I have been before =P
I guess its cause im happier. Less to complain about =)
Well, that, and that most of the time I have msn on at the same time, and most people demand my attention =)
However it is a quiet time (Bloomin noone interestings online. GRR! =P) so I thought i'd blog a bit. Why not? =P
Do you ever feel like people just dont have perspective? =P
Ahaa, Orienteering, at the park for PE, the girls would NOT stop complaining about the mud. I was a bit like...Really? Soul Survivor? =P
But when two girls on the bus are in tears because they've had a tiny tiff with their mates...? Argh. When i cry its cause im geniuinly scared im gonna loose someone. They were cryin cause a) One wanted someone else to talk to her more often, so decided ignoring her would be the best way to do it, then when the girl got upset at being ignored, she got mad and her friend seemed like she'd done wrong. Well she had. Yet she sat on the bus blaming it on the other person. And b) the other was flirtin with a guy who's girlfriend then told her she was uncomfortable with it. So SHE was in tears cause her friend told her the truth.
I mean...What? =/
Ahh welll =P
Pshwawwwwww
I have never felt truly crap and yet stupidly happy at the same time.
Its really annoying tbh =P
Yes, Helen, Rach, before you comment, i do have constant girlface =)
I even have pink glasses now!! Check me out! =D =P =P
ARghhh i cant even say why im so happy =( Which is somewhat frustrating. Other than its hottie-related.
All his fault =/
=P
Bored. Babbling. Will probably babble more later =P
BYE! =D
Tuesday, 3 March 2009
Who am i..?
Its blatently a hugely philisophical question, and im not even gonna try to answer it, but being annoyingly interested in socioligy and psycology (Even though i cant spell them =P), I notice the crap which im about to write about =P.
Who are we?
In terms of who am i, we normally bring up some sort of label to explain ourselves most in the fewest words.
Three words to describe myself a few months ago, would include, Emo, Christain, depressed.
I would have said these without heasitation. Those three words sum up who I am. Im a person with low self esteem who struggles with dealing with things, but i have a heart for God however much i dont like what people do in his name, and I dont particularly like life but im getting on with it. Surviving.
The thing is though, do we label ourselves them because it sums us up, or does what we sum up result in a label?
Ugly has been my label for an extremly long time. I was given the label, but i rarely wear it any more. It was by being given this label, which made me so. Does that make sense?
The only way to describe what im pictureing in my head at the moment, is with cardboard testimonies. I'll try to remember to put the link at the bottom, but still. People come out on stage showing one side of a peice of cardboard, on which is written something deeply personal, a label about who they were. They flip it over and show who they are now, brighter, happier labels.
OHHHHH THERES A DIFFERENT YOUTUBE VID! Hold on ill try to find the one i mean =P
Im not typing this with a christian message, its just this vid comes with one =)
Who are we?
In terms of who am i, we normally bring up some sort of label to explain ourselves most in the fewest words.
Three words to describe myself a few months ago, would include, Emo, Christain, depressed.
I would have said these without heasitation. Those three words sum up who I am. Im a person with low self esteem who struggles with dealing with things, but i have a heart for God however much i dont like what people do in his name, and I dont particularly like life but im getting on with it. Surviving.
The thing is though, do we label ourselves them because it sums us up, or does what we sum up result in a label?
Ugly has been my label for an extremly long time. I was given the label, but i rarely wear it any more. It was by being given this label, which made me so. Does that make sense?
The only way to describe what im pictureing in my head at the moment, is with cardboard testimonies. I'll try to remember to put the link at the bottom, but still. People come out on stage showing one side of a peice of cardboard, on which is written something deeply personal, a label about who they were. They flip it over and show who they are now, brighter, happier labels.
OHHHHH THERES A DIFFERENT YOUTUBE VID! Hold on ill try to find the one i mean =P
Im not typing this with a christian message, its just this vid comes with one =)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vl4Vc3MKTvg
But do you see?
The labels from other people go to her.
She ends up carrying those labels becase they are what she is given and deals with.
I was labelled Emo.
And i think it helped me to become one, because i knew people would continue to accept me if they already thought i was one.
Does that make sense?
Its like my hatred of stereotypes. If theyre not positive, i try not to use them. We change who people are by how we tell them we percive them.
But what if we give ourselves these labels?
Or re-wear them?
We have to redefine ourselves.
Change who we are for the better.
Realise what labels we've carried for too long and get rid of them.
People want to give them back? Tough. theyre gone =)
So who am i now?Im three things.Im a girlfriend, a christ follower, and an extremly happy girl.
Saturday, 28 February 2009
Friday, 27 February 2009
Happy
I am Happy.
Happy. Content. Excited. Proud. Privalidged. Loved. Happy.
Im happy.
I look forward to school for break and lunch.
I smile everytime someone says his name, which granted, is a little silly, but i cant help it, cause it reminds me of our conversations, of whats happening, someone likes me....
Im not unloved any more.
Im redefined =D
(BTW this is a reminder for me to write my redefined blog =) )
But Im attempting to wrte my testimony, the full one =P Not a nine page one ;-) Just from the bullying to the Godness to the cutting. So i can look back at it in a years time and go, 'Ah, I was such an idiot!' =)
Bored. Babbling. Bye =D x
Happy. Content. Excited. Proud. Privalidged. Loved. Happy.
Im happy.
I look forward to school for break and lunch.
I smile everytime someone says his name, which granted, is a little silly, but i cant help it, cause it reminds me of our conversations, of whats happening, someone likes me....
Im not unloved any more.
Im redefined =D
(BTW this is a reminder for me to write my redefined blog =) )
But Im attempting to wrte my testimony, the full one =P Not a nine page one ;-) Just from the bullying to the Godness to the cutting. So i can look back at it in a years time and go, 'Ah, I was such an idiot!' =)
Bored. Babbling. Bye =D x
Tuesday, 24 February 2009
Hmmmmm
Alot of my posts seem to be overly depressing. Sorry! =D Only place where i can babble everything out =) And apologies I havent blogged in a while. PURE LAZINESS Tis bliss =)
(Is it bliss? Is it bliss? yes it is!! -- Delirious =P)
I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed coffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. And a hug =) Not just any hug! Either an annoying swingy hug which normally i hate, curtusy of the guy who is too tall! =/. Or a mike hug. Im leaning towards a Mike hug, however being sat here blogging means its tricky to get a hug or make coffee.
Hmmmmmmmm. =/ =P
So some good news then =D
Am going out with the overly hot Mikus =D Or Mike, or Micheal, or Hottie depending on what my mood is at the time.
I feel like someone properly cares for the first time in a while, so im pretty damn happy =)
Might also help i like him overly =D
Ive been accused of being a girl, and too happy. I blame him!! =D
It was even hard (Get this =P) to help out Rach-The-Giggles because i was that happy =P She asked me to depress an overly happy Rhiannon =P Normally i can sober her up pretty quick =D But I couldnt!! =P lolllll
Im such a freak. =P Im honestly just waiting until he realises how much of a freak i am and run away, but as he put it, he wouldnt have the energy to run away =P
Downside, fiveawesomeguys ended ='( Charlieissocoollike (<3) is still going though =D
Pshwaw i have so much random energy that i want to blog out but im really really too lazy to =P
Next post may be more interesting. Maybe, hopefully. Need to remember to do my identity one! =D
Bored. Babbling. Bye =)
Hmm so whats been happening....
Ummmmmmmmmmm
(Is it bliss? Is it bliss? yes it is!! -- Delirious =P)
I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed coffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. And a hug =) Not just any hug! Either an annoying swingy hug which normally i hate, curtusy of the guy who is too tall! =/. Or a mike hug. Im leaning towards a Mike hug, however being sat here blogging means its tricky to get a hug or make coffee.
Hmmmmmmmm. =/ =P
So some good news then =D
Am going out with the overly hot Mikus =D Or Mike, or Micheal, or Hottie depending on what my mood is at the time.
I feel like someone properly cares for the first time in a while, so im pretty damn happy =)
Might also help i like him overly =D
Ive been accused of being a girl, and too happy. I blame him!! =D
It was even hard (Get this =P) to help out Rach-The-Giggles because i was that happy =P She asked me to depress an overly happy Rhiannon =P Normally i can sober her up pretty quick =D But I couldnt!! =P lolllll
Im such a freak. =P Im honestly just waiting until he realises how much of a freak i am and run away, but as he put it, he wouldnt have the energy to run away =P
Downside, fiveawesomeguys ended ='( Charlieissocoollike (<3) is still going though =D
Pshwaw i have so much random energy that i want to blog out but im really really too lazy to =P
Next post may be more interesting. Maybe, hopefully. Need to remember to do my identity one! =D
Bored. Babbling. Bye =)
Hmm so whats been happening....
Ummmmmmmmmmm
Saturday, 21 February 2009
TAKWABA UWABA NGA YESU!
Eehehee It makes me smile so much =D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=boKZq6gkgfM
I love this song. Its better than in English!
Takwaba uwaba nga Yesu
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=boKZq6gkgfM
I love this song. Its better than in English!
Takwaba uwaba nga Yesu
Just Be Strong Enough For One Last Song
When I hurt myself, its about me.
Its something that I do thats selfish. I dont care for what others do that might affect me, because it doesnt.
I dont cut because someones upset me.
I dont cut because I get mad.
I cut because I get scared.
I feel alone.
Ive done something wrong and only I can sort myself out.
I cut to get rid of my emotional pain.
Not because someone says no.
I know its all done to try to help me, but I'm sick of being treated like I'm breakable.
Because I'm not.
Im the same me I was before, I'm just handling things differently. It may not be the best way to handle it, but its how i do it now.
I found out reccently a guy I liked a loooong time ago had told me he liked me back, purely because he didnt want me hurting myself over rejection.
Im not hurt that he doesnt like me, im past that, but what really hurts is that its not even the first time. Essentially he lied to me because he feared for what i'd do to myself.
Another guy, before i even started self harming, admitted later after we both admitted we no longer had feelings for each other, told me he didnt ask me out because he remembered that i had told him (In one of our deeper more meaningful chats) that i had THOUGHT about self harm in year SEVEN.
Now these guys are lovely. Theyre trying to protect me and I cant fault them for that.
But theyre lying to me about something I would prefer honesty over any day.
I hate this. I need and crave and reccomend honesty.
But is that the cost of being open about my self harming? My friends are only friends out of pity? What if guys dont tell me the truth? Is this whats happening with the guy I like at the moment?
Im terrified about this.
But what can i do?
Mikus is hawwttt =)
And returning today =)
Theres not much to blog about really.
I've messed up quite a lot this week, which im not sure is a good thing or not, and I may blog about later.
Been going through my old text messages.
When i say old, at the point at which my phone reaches its memory limits, i mean about two, maybe three weeks old.
Andover 250 messages.
I fnd this sliiightly ridiculous. Though some texts really made me laugh =) Theyre all memories, I hate deleting them.
This verse, I found, from Abes random verses that he keeps sending us,
Isaiah 1:18 = "Come now, and let us reason together, says the Lord. Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall be like wool."
Know what else is scarlet? Red like crimson?
It keeps sticking in my head, which is pretty annoying.
Completly different subject now =)
Ever feel like all you want to do is help someone, but you know that nothing you can say will make a difference?
Because its not what you say, but who says it?
Im struggling with it at the moment.
Alot of my friends are going through things, but I cant seem to help any of them. I feel utterly useless and powerless.
It sucks.
Bored. Babbling. Bye.
Theres not much to blog about really.
I've messed up quite a lot this week, which im not sure is a good thing or not, and I may blog about later.
Been going through my old text messages.
When i say old, at the point at which my phone reaches its memory limits, i mean about two, maybe three weeks old.
Andover 250 messages.
I fnd this sliiightly ridiculous. Though some texts really made me laugh =) Theyre all memories, I hate deleting them.
This verse, I found, from Abes random verses that he keeps sending us,
Isaiah 1:18 = "Come now, and let us reason together, says the Lord. Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall be like wool."
Know what else is scarlet? Red like crimson?
It keeps sticking in my head, which is pretty annoying.
Completly different subject now =)
Ever feel like all you want to do is help someone, but you know that nothing you can say will make a difference?
Because its not what you say, but who says it?
Im struggling with it at the moment.
Alot of my friends are going through things, but I cant seem to help any of them. I feel utterly useless and powerless.
It sucks.
Bored. Babbling. Bye.
Wednesday, 18 February 2009
Oh yeah
Why not post hey?
Cutting is still fucking up my life.
Not cutting is pretty much the same.
Only now I'm scared of both.
Cutting is still fucking up my life.
Not cutting is pretty much the same.
Only now I'm scared of both.
Hope- We Shot The Moon
Hope it’s all the I have
The calm in the storm
Is right where I am
Inside of hope
It’s all that I know
It’s what I’m moved for
It’s what I live for
Wave goodbye to a time
That you once believed was everything
I’m ready to liveI’m ready to dream
I’m ready for fear, and love and everything between
Don’t tell me I’m right
Don’t tell me I’m wrong
Just tell me I’m strong enough for one more song
And this could be the one to say it right
Bringing warmth into the night
I’m going to broke, but I’ve got hope
The sound it’s all around
And we can be found
All in good time.
I’m forgiving yesterday
Wishing yesterday would forgive me, but I’ll never see
So wave goodbye to a time
That you once believed was everything
I’m ready to live
I’m ready to dream
I’m ready for fear, love and everything between
Don’t tell me I’m right
Don’t tell me I’m wrong
Just tell me I’m strong enough for one more song
And this could be the one to say it right
Bringing warmth into the night
I’m going to broke, but I’ve got hope
I’m ready to live, I live for hope.
I’m ready to live, I live for hope.
I’m ready to live
I’m ready to dream
I’m ready for fear, love and everything between
Don’t tell me I’m right
Don’t tell me I’m wrong
Just tell me I’m strong enough for one more song
And this could be the one to say it right
Bringing warmth into the night
I’m going to broke, but I’ve got hope
Yeah, I’ve got hope
The calm in the storm
Is right where I am
Inside of hope
It’s all that I know
It’s what I’m moved for
It’s what I live for
Wave goodbye to a time
That you once believed was everything
I’m ready to liveI’m ready to dream
I’m ready for fear, and love and everything between
Don’t tell me I’m right
Don’t tell me I’m wrong
Just tell me I’m strong enough for one more song
And this could be the one to say it right
Bringing warmth into the night
I’m going to broke, but I’ve got hope
The sound it’s all around
And we can be found
All in good time.
I’m forgiving yesterday
Wishing yesterday would forgive me, but I’ll never see
So wave goodbye to a time
That you once believed was everything
I’m ready to live
I’m ready to dream
I’m ready for fear, love and everything between
Don’t tell me I’m right
Don’t tell me I’m wrong
Just tell me I’m strong enough for one more song
And this could be the one to say it right
Bringing warmth into the night
I’m going to broke, but I’ve got hope
I’m ready to live, I live for hope.
I’m ready to live, I live for hope.
I’m ready to live
I’m ready to dream
I’m ready for fear, love and everything between
Don’t tell me I’m right
Don’t tell me I’m wrong
Just tell me I’m strong enough for one more song
And this could be the one to say it right
Bringing warmth into the night
I’m going to broke, but I’ve got hope
Yeah, I’ve got hope
Sway Your Head, We Shot The Moon
Sway your head
Move your feet
Wake yourself from the sleep
If theres a day, theres a way
You can get yourself there
Golden smile, you got style
That they can't take away
Scream and shout, get it out
Before it swallows you
No surprise in these times
How it really gets through
All the walks and the thoughts
But can you break through?
You're alive
So alive
Now c'mon
You gotta pull yourself back together
Give it one more shot
Its now or never
With the new day falling for you
You gotta believe
Build a plan, yes you can
You've got nothing to lose
Look around, up and down
What are you gonna choose?
Can you see the sunrise
That came up for you
You're alive
So alive
Now c'mon
You gotta pull yourself back together
Give it one more shot
Its now or never
With the new day calling for you
You gotta believe
You gotta pull yourself, back in the water
Take in one deep breath
You're getting closer
After all you've talked and seen
You gotta believe
I think its coming back
I think its coming back
I think its coming back to me(x2)
Now I, I feel I'm getting better
Now I, my world is getting better
You gotta pull yourself back together
Give it one more shot
Its now or never
With the new day falling for you
You gotta believe
You gotta pull yourself, back in the water
Take in one deep breath
You're getting closer
After all you've talked and seen
You gotta believe
Move your feet
Wake yourself from the sleep
If theres a day, theres a way
You can get yourself there
Golden smile, you got style
That they can't take away
Scream and shout, get it out
Before it swallows you
No surprise in these times
How it really gets through
All the walks and the thoughts
But can you break through?
You're alive
So alive
Now c'mon
You gotta pull yourself back together
Give it one more shot
Its now or never
With the new day falling for you
You gotta believe
Build a plan, yes you can
You've got nothing to lose
Look around, up and down
What are you gonna choose?
Can you see the sunrise
That came up for you
You're alive
So alive
Now c'mon
You gotta pull yourself back together
Give it one more shot
Its now or never
With the new day calling for you
You gotta believe
You gotta pull yourself, back in the water
Take in one deep breath
You're getting closer
After all you've talked and seen
You gotta believe
I think its coming back
I think its coming back
I think its coming back to me(x2)
Now I, I feel I'm getting better
Now I, my world is getting better
You gotta pull yourself back together
Give it one more shot
Its now or never
With the new day falling for you
You gotta believe
You gotta pull yourself, back in the water
Take in one deep breath
You're getting closer
After all you've talked and seen
You gotta believe
Tuesday, 17 February 2009
Babbling. Violin playing, Cheese slicing, etc.
I am open about my self harming.
But when I stop, it is my decision. Its noone elses.
But 9/10 I need help when i decide to...
I want to write this time about why I'm stopping, my emotions and feelings about it. I want it written so that if i go back to it, I might be able to stop myself.
But I'm terrified it'll turn out like the last time I was open, in which it was thrown back at me.
Im gonna try.
Cutting hasnt done anything for me for a while. Only now it feels like I have to do it, its who i am, its routine, I must...
I dont do it for a reason every time. Its when I sit alone and think, in the silence, thats when I get into a certain mood and only a few people can pull me out of it.
Its often not for a reason. I just feel something I cant explain.
My phone partially helps in this sense. Because I have learnt that some people i rely on can text back, and I can stop myself.
When I talk about being pulled out like this, im not taken over, consumed by creepy deamons or anything like that, im just convinced it the right thing to do.
I call it my freak out.
Some texts convince me otherwise.
Something someone said to me a looong time ago. "If there is anything I can do to help you right now, just say, and i swear I'll do it."
It helped... Because it made me think someone cared that much and really didnt want me doing it.
I didnt really want to do it...I'd promised...
The person i text and promised is in France, at the time probably asleep. It was late. Two other people were texting me but i hadnt told them I was stuffed. When i mentioned I wasnt so great, One told me to text him.
I did. It helped.
But am I wrong to do that? Im putting my troubles on someone else. I got a text this morning from him worried that he hadnt been able to help.
But then he has to deal with part of my troubles. Isnt that selfish?
With some people, i could talk to easily about this. Roseanna for example. Sophie. But they dont have the same effect as talking to someone I cant be sure cares.
Having someone i didnt expect to ever earn even friendship off because theyre so amazing, telling me They love me so much? They cant bear to see me in pain?
On the one hand it terrifys me. So many different ways does that scare me.
But I love it. And I think him also.
I felt almost like this before about a guy. He helped me out with my self harming...But this time, I feel more of a closeness. I really like this guy. And Im terrified I'll mess it up because of my self harming, or in my attempts to stop he'll see how weak i really am...
Im so lost.
And I really like this guy.
Ive babbled long enough. To scared to re-read and proof read, so deal with the mistakes.
But when I stop, it is my decision. Its noone elses.
But 9/10 I need help when i decide to...
I want to write this time about why I'm stopping, my emotions and feelings about it. I want it written so that if i go back to it, I might be able to stop myself.
But I'm terrified it'll turn out like the last time I was open, in which it was thrown back at me.
Im gonna try.
Cutting hasnt done anything for me for a while. Only now it feels like I have to do it, its who i am, its routine, I must...
I dont do it for a reason every time. Its when I sit alone and think, in the silence, thats when I get into a certain mood and only a few people can pull me out of it.
Its often not for a reason. I just feel something I cant explain.
My phone partially helps in this sense. Because I have learnt that some people i rely on can text back, and I can stop myself.
When I talk about being pulled out like this, im not taken over, consumed by creepy deamons or anything like that, im just convinced it the right thing to do.
I call it my freak out.
Some texts convince me otherwise.
Something someone said to me a looong time ago. "If there is anything I can do to help you right now, just say, and i swear I'll do it."
It helped... Because it made me think someone cared that much and really didnt want me doing it.
I didnt really want to do it...I'd promised...
The person i text and promised is in France, at the time probably asleep. It was late. Two other people were texting me but i hadnt told them I was stuffed. When i mentioned I wasnt so great, One told me to text him.
I did. It helped.
But am I wrong to do that? Im putting my troubles on someone else. I got a text this morning from him worried that he hadnt been able to help.
Causing more trouble. Go me.
How could i explain it that it wasnt what he said exactly, though that helped, but the fact he text back? That i'd made a deal with myself, if he cares, i wont..?
But then he has to deal with part of my troubles. Isnt that selfish?
With some people, i could talk to easily about this. Roseanna for example. Sophie. But they dont have the same effect as talking to someone I cant be sure cares.
Having someone i didnt expect to ever earn even friendship off because theyre so amazing, telling me They love me so much? They cant bear to see me in pain?
On the one hand it terrifys me. So many different ways does that scare me.
But I love it. And I think him also.
I felt almost like this before about a guy. He helped me out with my self harming...But this time, I feel more of a closeness. I really like this guy. And Im terrified I'll mess it up because of my self harming, or in my attempts to stop he'll see how weak i really am...
Do I go back to it? Lie to him? It would stop him seeing me in my embarrassing moments where im terrified. I was shaking last night. I learnt what a friend meant when they said they kept forgetting to breathe. I'm a bit scared to look at what form of desperate text i sent, because i cant remember and its a time i usually keep to myself.
Or do i hope a guy i've reccently started to like and get to know better will accept me through something even i cant? He is lovely, a complete sweetheart, but its my issues and even I cant accpet them half the time, and there is no way I'll expect him to accept them.
The last person I hoped I would be able to talk to, I didnt want them to help I just wanted to talk to them, basically said he (This is not a guy thing, he just happens to be male) didnt care.
Rarely do i hope for help. I was shot down last time.
Im so lost.
And I really like this guy.
Ive babbled long enough. To scared to re-read and proof read, so deal with the mistakes.
Monday, 16 February 2009
25 honest truths
I had fun writing the 25 random but True things. But I'm going to attempt to do what Rachel did, which is 25 things that are more honest than should be put on Facebook...
I dont know if i'll manage it.
But I can try.
1. I have been myself properly, about ten or so times in the last five years.
2. I can trace back bullying to my first year of school- being thrown against the wall and hurt.
3. I can remember fully hating myself by the time I was eight.
4. I started Self harming last year
5. I have reccently stopped Self Harming because of a guy. I've done this before- but I want to stick to it this time.
6. Meeting new people is terrifying. Its so easy for me to say the wrong thing or become defensive and ruin everything. I normally go loud or flirty to try to fill any silences.
7. I hate thinking. I have to have time to get away from people to think and when I do I can be an amazing analyst. It works in the way that I can come up with good ideas, but it also means most of the time i know exactly what and why I do what I do.
8. I've hurt myself in more ways than just typical self harming.
9. I dont trust easily but when I do its solid.
10. I get scared of distrust, so my friends know almost every one of my secrets, and im terrified of Silence, so I will always have an ipod or music with me.
11. I can rarely sleep through the night.
12. If i didnt have Ellie, Roseanna, or Sophie, I would not be here.
13. At this moment, i have 79 self inflicted scars, and three accidental scars.
14. I argue with my parents quite alot. I know its typical teenager, but it makes me feel like i should be the perfect daughter which im not so I fail again.
15. I used to get defensive when I got scared, which meant i used violence also. I hate that I did that.
16. God saved my life but I never feel close to him like people claim they do at random moments.
17. I cant imagine myself married, but if I did i think i'd like it.
18. One of my biggest fears is my friends sticking with me out of sympathy. I dont believe anyone truly likes me- its all just various reasons which have nothing to do with honest liking- because if i cant like myself how can anyone else?
19. However I do believe in certain people thoughts for me- which is why I like Leave Out All The Rest so much, by Linkin Park. I dreamed I was missing, and you were so scared. But noone else listened, cause noone else cared. After my dreaming, i woke with this fear- What am I missing, when Im done here?
When my time comes, forget the wrong that Ive done, help me leave behind some reason to be missed.
20. I have so many different masks for different people, I barely know who i am without the mask.
21. Jasper accidently saved me once...Roseanna accidently saved me a few more times...Ellie and Sophie have saved me... and Mike is saving me atm ... Thats how many times I convinced myself people would be better off if i wasnt here and went to do something. I have never told anyone how close I've been that many times.
22. I used to think of myself as Pretty. Im not that stupid any more.
23. Im still laughing about what Ellie told me.
24. I hate attention. I hate my birthday because its all about me. I hate when I'm singled out. I mostly hate compliments. I wear dark clothing because thats what people expect of me.
25. I would love to wear a dress or skirt and feel pretty.
I may change some later, cause I have to go now, but still.
Meh.
I dont know if i'll manage it.
But I can try.
1. I have been myself properly, about ten or so times in the last five years.
2. I can trace back bullying to my first year of school- being thrown against the wall and hurt.
3. I can remember fully hating myself by the time I was eight.
4. I started Self harming last year
5. I have reccently stopped Self Harming because of a guy. I've done this before- but I want to stick to it this time.
6. Meeting new people is terrifying. Its so easy for me to say the wrong thing or become defensive and ruin everything. I normally go loud or flirty to try to fill any silences.
7. I hate thinking. I have to have time to get away from people to think and when I do I can be an amazing analyst. It works in the way that I can come up with good ideas, but it also means most of the time i know exactly what and why I do what I do.
8. I've hurt myself in more ways than just typical self harming.
9. I dont trust easily but when I do its solid.
10. I get scared of distrust, so my friends know almost every one of my secrets, and im terrified of Silence, so I will always have an ipod or music with me.
11. I can rarely sleep through the night.
12. If i didnt have Ellie, Roseanna, or Sophie, I would not be here.
13. At this moment, i have 79 self inflicted scars, and three accidental scars.
14. I argue with my parents quite alot. I know its typical teenager, but it makes me feel like i should be the perfect daughter which im not so I fail again.
15. I used to get defensive when I got scared, which meant i used violence also. I hate that I did that.
16. God saved my life but I never feel close to him like people claim they do at random moments.
17. I cant imagine myself married, but if I did i think i'd like it.
18. One of my biggest fears is my friends sticking with me out of sympathy. I dont believe anyone truly likes me- its all just various reasons which have nothing to do with honest liking- because if i cant like myself how can anyone else?
19. However I do believe in certain people thoughts for me- which is why I like Leave Out All The Rest so much, by Linkin Park. I dreamed I was missing, and you were so scared. But noone else listened, cause noone else cared. After my dreaming, i woke with this fear- What am I missing, when Im done here?
When my time comes, forget the wrong that Ive done, help me leave behind some reason to be missed.
20. I have so many different masks for different people, I barely know who i am without the mask.
21. Jasper accidently saved me once...Roseanna accidently saved me a few more times...Ellie and Sophie have saved me... and Mike is saving me atm ... Thats how many times I convinced myself people would be better off if i wasnt here and went to do something. I have never told anyone how close I've been that many times.
22. I used to think of myself as Pretty. Im not that stupid any more.
23. Im still laughing about what Ellie told me.
24. I hate attention. I hate my birthday because its all about me. I hate when I'm singled out. I mostly hate compliments. I wear dark clothing because thats what people expect of me.
25. I would love to wear a dress or skirt and feel pretty.
I may change some later, cause I have to go now, but still.
Meh.
Sunday, 15 February 2009
Squeak
I actually like someone.
Who likes me back.
Who is also costing me a fortune in texts...
But not the point!!
Eee.
x
Who likes me back.
Who is also costing me a fortune in texts...
But not the point!!
Eee.
x
Saturday, 14 February 2009
I tried...
Okay So i tried.
I tried desperatly to contain myself and not babble about whats actually gone on in the last 48 hours. ITs not working.
So I'll give a bit of a better account =)
Glastonbrooke got cancelled half an hour in because of the snow. We were told in assembly the next mornng that they were "proud of the way the students handled the situation".
Hows that? By pulling the fire alarms, refusng to leave, throwing snowballs, and random raving outside?
Greaaat =)
Mehh. I understand their reasons, but they should blates do another one. Ellie might kill them if they dont.
Ellie came into school yesterdayy =P Seems like ages ago. She fit in as if she'd never left =P Stalked her into town and then back to hers. Me and Roseanna.
And when I say we had a girly night, we REALLY had a girly night. Chips, skittles, Mamma Mia (Including the greatest rendition of Super trooper you can ever imagine) and working out who was who in the movie was really just the begnning.
Laughing at random points when we remember the peice of gossip we heard?
Often =P
Msn? Well yeahh =P There was a lot of girl talk about guys and grrness as you can imagine =) So we went on msn.
Now three people on a single chair?
It wasnt pretty.
One of those really tired and the other two hyper out of their minds?
At one in the morning?
On webcam?
I just feel sorry for our victim =P
So after three cups of coffee back home, I went on to Rachels so we could hang out. She'd been bugging me about coming for aaages...
And shoved me into the living room which was where our other friends were.
I can honestly say i did not get it at first.
Its two weeks after my birthday, so when everyone jumped out, i was just like "Wuuuut?!" =S
And as i dont handle surprises well, and as I was dead at that point, i hid =P
When we were eating I was texting the guy I like...and i turned into the ultimate girl when he sad he likded me. I really do mean the ultimate girl. I was giggling.
Jonny started out horrfied but slowly admitted she was proud of me. I GOT A HUG FROM HER!! WOOOO.
And they WE ALL started singing again. Really, my voice will be gone if this keeps up =P
It was so much fun. And I really had no idea.
But when it comes to the guy, he's goneeee =(
Which sucks somewhat.
Grrr.
But I have some of the most awesomist texts ever =)
And for the first time in a while, I think im okay =) I dont particularly want to open the book, so i think im okay =)
I hope.
And im sooo tired now cause of Fishy. If i fall asleep in church tomorrow, I blame her. =D With the utmost love and affecton =D
Must go. Wet hair must become dry and Smallville must be watched.
Such a geek =D
Loveage
I tried desperatly to contain myself and not babble about whats actually gone on in the last 48 hours. ITs not working.
So I'll give a bit of a better account =)
Glastonbrooke got cancelled half an hour in because of the snow. We were told in assembly the next mornng that they were "proud of the way the students handled the situation".
Hows that? By pulling the fire alarms, refusng to leave, throwing snowballs, and random raving outside?
Greaaat =)
Mehh. I understand their reasons, but they should blates do another one. Ellie might kill them if they dont.
Ellie came into school yesterdayy =P Seems like ages ago. She fit in as if she'd never left =P Stalked her into town and then back to hers. Me and Roseanna.
And when I say we had a girly night, we REALLY had a girly night. Chips, skittles, Mamma Mia (Including the greatest rendition of Super trooper you can ever imagine) and working out who was who in the movie was really just the begnning.
Laughing at random points when we remember the peice of gossip we heard?
Often =P
Msn? Well yeahh =P There was a lot of girl talk about guys and grrness as you can imagine =) So we went on msn.
Now three people on a single chair?
It wasnt pretty.
One of those really tired and the other two hyper out of their minds?
At one in the morning?
On webcam?
I just feel sorry for our victim =P
So after three cups of coffee back home, I went on to Rachels so we could hang out. She'd been bugging me about coming for aaages...
And shoved me into the living room which was where our other friends were.
I can honestly say i did not get it at first.
Its two weeks after my birthday, so when everyone jumped out, i was just like "Wuuuut?!" =S
And as i dont handle surprises well, and as I was dead at that point, i hid =P
When we were eating I was texting the guy I like...and i turned into the ultimate girl when he sad he likded me. I really do mean the ultimate girl. I was giggling.
Jonny started out horrfied but slowly admitted she was proud of me. I GOT A HUG FROM HER!! WOOOO.
And they WE ALL started singing again. Really, my voice will be gone if this keeps up =P
It was so much fun. And I really had no idea.
But when it comes to the guy, he's goneeee =(
Which sucks somewhat.
Grrr.
But I have some of the most awesomist texts ever =)
And for the first time in a while, I think im okay =) I dont particularly want to open the book, so i think im okay =)
I hope.
And im sooo tired now cause of Fishy. If i fall asleep in church tomorrow, I blame her. =D With the utmost love and affecton =D
Must go. Wet hair must become dry and Smallville must be watched.
Such a geek =D
Loveage
Teeheee.
Previously, on Chucks blog....
Valentines Day..... Mine is a bit different this year, in that I think I'm actually starting to like someone...Now, the few girlies of mine who know about this, think this is a good thing....It is not...So im stopping it as of now =)
And now, for the conclusion of the last 24 hours....
HE LIKES ME!
Its a bit crappy, cause I know he sort of likes someone else, so I'm not gonna jump in completly cause he probably still likes her.
BUT HE LIKES ME!
And unfortunatly has now gone on holiday ='( Cant talk to him for another week.
ARGHHH.
Oh and my girlies are amazing. Truely amazing.
They threw me a surprise (I mean two weeks after my birthday, I really had no idea) party, which was truely amazing. I love them =D Thankies!!!
Valentines Day..... Mine is a bit different this year, in that I think I'm actually starting to like someone...Now, the few girlies of mine who know about this, think this is a good thing....It is not...So im stopping it as of now =)
And now, for the conclusion of the last 24 hours....
HE LIKES ME!
Its a bit crappy, cause I know he sort of likes someone else, so I'm not gonna jump in completly cause he probably still likes her.
BUT HE LIKES ME!
And unfortunatly has now gone on holiday ='( Cant talk to him for another week.
ARGHHH.
Oh and my girlies are amazing. Truely amazing.
They threw me a surprise (I mean two weeks after my birthday, I really had no idea) party, which was truely amazing. I love them =D Thankies!!!
Valentines Day
I hate Valentines day.
Dont you find that every person thats single will say that?
Mine is a bit different this year, in that I think I'm actually starting to like someone.
Now, the few girlies of mine who know about this, think this is a good thing.
It is not.
Mostly because I always find a way to get myself hurt before I dare let anything happen. Because I have no chance. And because its a really really stupid idea.
My girlies have attempted to talk me into it. As they do every single time i like someone. But I dont think it would work.
So im stopping it as of now =)
Well, now.
Maybe now.
Stupid Gay Head ='( I want a new one.
Happy Valentines Day all.
Dont you find that every person thats single will say that?
Mine is a bit different this year, in that I think I'm actually starting to like someone.
Now, the few girlies of mine who know about this, think this is a good thing.
It is not.
Mostly because I always find a way to get myself hurt before I dare let anything happen. Because I have no chance. And because its a really really stupid idea.
My girlies have attempted to talk me into it. As they do every single time i like someone. But I dont think it would work.
So im stopping it as of now =)
Well, now.
Maybe now.
Stupid Gay Head ='( I want a new one.
Happy Valentines Day all.
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