Friday, 27 March 2009
Hmmm bugger.
Very bad head.
Amazingly skillful head.
But still, very bad head.
The thing thats grounded me for a while, stopped most of my not-so-great thoughts is the thought that Mike loves me.
Cause he says he does =) Alot.
But I've managed to do the same thing i do EVERY time.
I've convinced myself he doesnt.
Because frankly, why would he?
And small random things are convincing me that more and more people dont love me, people that I'd just started to believe....
So im verry very very confused and lost and scared and unsure.
Because i know that if i do what i promised not to it helps. But based on said love theory, people dont like me doing it. No love theory, no hatred of doing it.
But then do i want to now i know i dont have to?
I love all these people i've said dont reciprocate so much...... But surely thats a little bit useless if they dont back?
Confused. Babbling. Bye.
Wednesday, 18 March 2009
High random babbling
Im.
Im.
Im.
RED BULL!!
Thats why i have a ridiculous amount of energy right now!!
I like wiings =D Teehee.
So.
Im.
A.
Little
bit
overly
hyper =D
Sorry for the mad blogging =D
OHH AND THE ALIENS HAVE LANDED!!! So skillet is telling me right now =D
OHHH Remember the 101 things to show you love somone?
With Roseanna- 54
With Mikus- 43
There are two ways i can be grring at this =P
Firstly the fact I'm straight but have done more with my best friend than my boyfriend =P
Or that its bloomin impressive since i've been goin out with Michael for three weeks and have known Roseanna for six years =P
Oooooooohness Sadie and Butlerr =D <3 =P
Bloggeringrandomness over temporarilyy =D xxx
Hmmm
It was on the subject of Christianity.
Now having doubts myself, I guess I'm not the best person to talk to about Christianity as a whole.
The person I spoke to said to me very clearly, "I believe you're not so much a christian any more. You have changed. In the year that i have known you, you have changed."
Hmmmmm.
Well I have changed for the better more reccently.
But is moving away from church as a whole something that is a good change or a bad one?
Its different, thats for sure. I like that I have changed, Im liking a bit more who I'm becoming....
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm =)
Tuesday, 17 March 2009
Im through =)
Im through with trying to work out who I am
Im through with pretending hurting myself is a good thing.
Im through convincing myself people dont care.
Im through with masks.
Im through with the hurt that comes with anything I do.
Im through with trying to be the person I'm not.
Im through with my own insecurities holding me back...
Im sure im through with more things. But nowww
Im gonna try defying gravity.
Nothings gonna hold me down any more =)
(Shamelessly stolen from Wicked (y))
Monday, 16 March 2009
GIRLFACE POST
I love this boy.
This boy...Well.....
He's a bit of a wuss.
He is a complete computer geek.
He refuses to sing but probably enjoyed Mamma Mia.
He is scarily Skinny.
He is scarily gay sometimes =P (Matt and Mullins. Yeeshh =P)
He gets cold way too easily.
But.....
He knows exactly how to make me smile.
He makes me want to go to school.
He has the most adorable smile EVER.
He can play Bass and guitar like noone ive ever seen.
He has an amazing sense of humour
He has zero energy, unless being forced to skip or becoming a fairy.
He ran away from a nine year old with a twig.
He is the owner of the mighty Mario =P (R.I.P x)
He cares about me...And shows it =)
I could easily go on with this for a very very long time....=P But bottom line is....
I love him =)
Friday, 13 March 2009
Ahh the suckiness.
Well, not the happiness exactly. Im still stupidly high and in love with Mikus, nothing in the slightest has changed there.
But I sat and thought the other day. And it wasnt a great outcome. What kind of person am i to force someone I care about to stop me from doing something Im not even so sure is bad any more?
Pshwaw. Im not even sure why im having this argument....Probably cause i have no idea what the answer is........ Fuckkkkk..............
Gay stupid depressed fucking brain.
ARGHHHH
Tuesday, 10 March 2009
No Longer A Christain.
I have a habit of noticing things that pass most people by. Like the random Banksy imitation picture some wierd stall.
That the CCTV was focussed not on the shops, but on the street performers.
Other random things.
But one of the most obvious things, was a giant poster on the side of a bus.
So really, not just random people like me would notice, but the potentially whole of London.
Do you know what was written on it?
"Fools say in their hearts, there is no God. For a free bible, call....."
I'll come back to that later. But should they get a bible, whats the first thing they'll do? Look up a verse they know. What might that one be?
Psalm 53? The one on the bus? Lets look at the rest of it....
"1 Fools say in their hearts,
"There is no God."
They are corrupt, and their ways are vile;
there is no one who does good. "
So the idea of this advertisment, was to open up people to God? Agnostics who need help deciding if God is real or not?
Do they get the love and acceptance we preach?
No.
Do they get the promise of no judgement?
No.
They get insulted. Called fools and vile.
I could blame the bible for this, but to be honest, i dont. The psalm is about Gods love for the earth and how they have changed without his influence. But in the context?
It presents big-headed, arrogant, we're-better-than-you, an i-told-you-so attitude.
The same attitude that associates us with out mistakes.
It reminds me of the time at ignite when we were shown a video someone had made.
It was a letter from an athiest to his christian friend. It screamed and cried as he was scared and taken to hell.
It was ridden with scare and shock tactics.
It made me feel physically Ill.
WHY on earth? How on earth? We preach love.
We preach forgivness, we preach GODs message.
There is love placed on our hearts to spread to other people.
We should not be forcing fear to people.
Christians have made mistakes. I have made mistakes. Its Gods forgivness that we learn to understand, and he forgives us.
But surely its a mistake to stand on a street corner and yell doomsday messages at people? Cant we look at ways to talk to people that are so much more effective? Love, one-to-one listening.
Practice what we preach.
Im just sick of the constant hippocrisy of Christainity.
Until I can get my head around it, i will no longer tell people I am a christian.
I beleive in God. I beleive in Jesus. I get that he loves people. But im sick of it all.
Out of pure curiousity I looked up christian in the urban dictionary. Most of them agree with what i say, but this one.....
"16.
Christian
A person who believes that Christ is their Savior. Most are kind and polite, but some are complete snobs about it. The latter gets extremely offended when someone has a difference of opinion religiously, but still go around saying everybody else is wrong and that they are going to hell for not having faith. Especially aggressive towards Atheists. "
Now what if everyones opinion of Christians was that??
Thats how people at school think i will be. Aggressive because I dont share their beliefs.
One for the many, but why cant we shed the label?
The term Christian comes from who we were then. The struggles early christians faced. We were Jews before! We reinvented ourselves to show a change in who we were, a concious decision to follow Christ the saviour.
So why cant we reinvent ourselves again, move past our past ideas and morals, the major mistakes christianity as a whole has been blamed for and is still blamed for?
Get rid of our insecurities about admitting to being a christian?
Become new people, in the name of Christ.
So no longer am i a christain. Im a christ-follower. =)
Monday, 9 March 2009
Who I am hates who I've been.
I've been listening to Relient K for a while now, and they have a great song called "Who I am Hates Who I've been'.
This is true =)
I was unbelieveably defensive, totally rude and way too violent. Even I cant believe how terrible I was.
And Im so, so sorry.
I could make excuses, explain why I did it, why i never liked insulting someone, or hitting someone, but Im not going to.
Because the blame was mine, whether i had an excuse or not, I did it and Im sorry.
One day, I'll be able to apologise to the people at my old school for what I was like. I have changed. I just hope I can get the guts to do it soon =) =P
Sunday, 8 March 2009
MONUMENTAL MOMENT!!!
MICHAEL JAMES LAWS SKIPPED!!!!
It was scarier than i thought it'd be =P But was amazing!! =P
xx
Wednesday, 4 March 2009
Owwww
Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
I kinda realised I havent blogged as manically as I have been before =P
I guess its cause im happier. Less to complain about =)
Well, that, and that most of the time I have msn on at the same time, and most people demand my attention =)
However it is a quiet time (Bloomin noone interestings online. GRR! =P) so I thought i'd blog a bit. Why not? =P
Do you ever feel like people just dont have perspective? =P
Ahaa, Orienteering, at the park for PE, the girls would NOT stop complaining about the mud. I was a bit like...Really? Soul Survivor? =P
But when two girls on the bus are in tears because they've had a tiny tiff with their mates...? Argh. When i cry its cause im geniuinly scared im gonna loose someone. They were cryin cause a) One wanted someone else to talk to her more often, so decided ignoring her would be the best way to do it, then when the girl got upset at being ignored, she got mad and her friend seemed like she'd done wrong. Well she had. Yet she sat on the bus blaming it on the other person. And b) the other was flirtin with a guy who's girlfriend then told her she was uncomfortable with it. So SHE was in tears cause her friend told her the truth.
I mean...What? =/
Ahh welll =P
Pshwawwwwww
I have never felt truly crap and yet stupidly happy at the same time.
Its really annoying tbh =P
Yes, Helen, Rach, before you comment, i do have constant girlface =)
I even have pink glasses now!! Check me out! =D =P =P
ARghhh i cant even say why im so happy =( Which is somewhat frustrating. Other than its hottie-related.
All his fault =/
=P
Bored. Babbling. Will probably babble more later =P
BYE! =D
Tuesday, 3 March 2009
Who am i..?
Who are we?
In terms of who am i, we normally bring up some sort of label to explain ourselves most in the fewest words.
Three words to describe myself a few months ago, would include, Emo, Christain, depressed.
I would have said these without heasitation. Those three words sum up who I am. Im a person with low self esteem who struggles with dealing with things, but i have a heart for God however much i dont like what people do in his name, and I dont particularly like life but im getting on with it. Surviving.
The thing is though, do we label ourselves them because it sums us up, or does what we sum up result in a label?
Ugly has been my label for an extremly long time. I was given the label, but i rarely wear it any more. It was by being given this label, which made me so. Does that make sense?
The only way to describe what im pictureing in my head at the moment, is with cardboard testimonies. I'll try to remember to put the link at the bottom, but still. People come out on stage showing one side of a peice of cardboard, on which is written something deeply personal, a label about who they were. They flip it over and show who they are now, brighter, happier labels.
OHHHHH THERES A DIFFERENT YOUTUBE VID! Hold on ill try to find the one i mean =P
Im not typing this with a christian message, its just this vid comes with one =)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vl4Vc3MKTvg
But do you see?
The labels from other people go to her.
She ends up carrying those labels becase they are what she is given and deals with.
I was labelled Emo.
And i think it helped me to become one, because i knew people would continue to accept me if they already thought i was one.
Does that make sense?
Its like my hatred of stereotypes. If theyre not positive, i try not to use them. We change who people are by how we tell them we percive them.
But what if we give ourselves these labels?
Or re-wear them?
We have to redefine ourselves.
Change who we are for the better.
Realise what labels we've carried for too long and get rid of them.
People want to give them back? Tough. theyre gone =)
So who am i now?Im three things.Im a girlfriend, a christ follower, and an extremly happy girl.