New blog going up, purely because this one has come dangerously close to being found by my parents =) I dont mind who reads my blog, which is why im determined to keep it open, but just not my parents. =)
Please, please ask me for the new url because I will give it to you, just ask you to follow it anonymously =) Thanks!
x
Wednesday, 1 April 2009
Friday, 27 March 2009
Hmmm bugger.
Bad head.
Very bad head.
Amazingly skillful head.
But still, very bad head.
The thing thats grounded me for a while, stopped most of my not-so-great thoughts is the thought that Mike loves me.
Cause he says he does =) Alot.
But I've managed to do the same thing i do EVERY time.
I've convinced myself he doesnt.
Because frankly, why would he?
And small random things are convincing me that more and more people dont love me, people that I'd just started to believe....
So im verry very very confused and lost and scared and unsure.
Because i know that if i do what i promised not to it helps. But based on said love theory, people dont like me doing it. No love theory, no hatred of doing it.
But then do i want to now i know i dont have to?
I love all these people i've said dont reciprocate so much...... But surely thats a little bit useless if they dont back?
Confused. Babbling. Bye.
Very bad head.
Amazingly skillful head.
But still, very bad head.
The thing thats grounded me for a while, stopped most of my not-so-great thoughts is the thought that Mike loves me.
Cause he says he does =) Alot.
But I've managed to do the same thing i do EVERY time.
I've convinced myself he doesnt.
Because frankly, why would he?
And small random things are convincing me that more and more people dont love me, people that I'd just started to believe....
So im verry very very confused and lost and scared and unsure.
Because i know that if i do what i promised not to it helps. But based on said love theory, people dont like me doing it. No love theory, no hatred of doing it.
But then do i want to now i know i dont have to?
I love all these people i've said dont reciprocate so much...... But surely thats a little bit useless if they dont back?
Confused. Babbling. Bye.
Wednesday, 18 March 2009
High random babbling
Im.
Im.
Im.
Im.
RED BULL!!
Thats why i have a ridiculous amount of energy right now!!
I like wiings =D Teehee.
So.
Im.
A.
Little
bit
overly
hyper =D
Sorry for the mad blogging =D
OHH AND THE ALIENS HAVE LANDED!!! So skillet is telling me right now =D
OHHH Remember the 101 things to show you love somone?
With Roseanna- 54
With Mikus- 43
There are two ways i can be grring at this =P
Firstly the fact I'm straight but have done more with my best friend than my boyfriend =P
Or that its bloomin impressive since i've been goin out with Michael for three weeks and have known Roseanna for six years =P
Oooooooohness Sadie and Butlerr =D <3 =P
Bloggeringrandomness over temporarilyy =D xxx
Im.
Im.
Im.
RED BULL!!
Thats why i have a ridiculous amount of energy right now!!
I like wiings =D Teehee.
So.
Im.
A.
Little
bit
overly
hyper =D
Sorry for the mad blogging =D
OHH AND THE ALIENS HAVE LANDED!!! So skillet is telling me right now =D
OHHH Remember the 101 things to show you love somone?
With Roseanna- 54
With Mikus- 43
There are two ways i can be grring at this =P
Firstly the fact I'm straight but have done more with my best friend than my boyfriend =P
Or that its bloomin impressive since i've been goin out with Michael for three weeks and have known Roseanna for six years =P
Oooooooohness Sadie and Butlerr =D <3 =P
Bloggeringrandomness over temporarilyy =D xxx
Hmmm
Had an interesting talk with three very interesting people today.
It was on the subject of Christianity.
Now having doubts myself, I guess I'm not the best person to talk to about Christianity as a whole.
The person I spoke to said to me very clearly, "I believe you're not so much a christian any more. You have changed. In the year that i have known you, you have changed."
Hmmmmm.
Well I have changed for the better more reccently.
But is moving away from church as a whole something that is a good change or a bad one?
Its different, thats for sure. I like that I have changed, Im liking a bit more who I'm becoming....
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm =)
It was on the subject of Christianity.
Now having doubts myself, I guess I'm not the best person to talk to about Christianity as a whole.
The person I spoke to said to me very clearly, "I believe you're not so much a christian any more. You have changed. In the year that i have known you, you have changed."
Hmmmmm.
Well I have changed for the better more reccently.
But is moving away from church as a whole something that is a good change or a bad one?
Its different, thats for sure. I like that I have changed, Im liking a bit more who I'm becoming....
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm =)
Tuesday, 17 March 2009
Im through =)
Im through.
Im through with trying to work out who I am
Im through with pretending hurting myself is a good thing.
Im through convincing myself people dont care.
Im through with masks.
Im through with the hurt that comes with anything I do.
Im through with trying to be the person I'm not.
Im through with my own insecurities holding me back...
Im sure im through with more things. But nowww
Im gonna try defying gravity.
Nothings gonna hold me down any more =)
(Shamelessly stolen from Wicked (y))
Im through with trying to work out who I am
Im through with pretending hurting myself is a good thing.
Im through convincing myself people dont care.
Im through with masks.
Im through with the hurt that comes with anything I do.
Im through with trying to be the person I'm not.
Im through with my own insecurities holding me back...
Im sure im through with more things. But nowww
Im gonna try defying gravity.
Nothings gonna hold me down any more =)
(Shamelessly stolen from Wicked (y))
Monday, 16 March 2009
GIRLFACE POST
Do not read if you are suceptable to girlface. This is the very definition of Girlface. And if you are a guy OR the fairy that this is written about, then dont read also =P
I love this boy.
He's a bit of a wuss.
He is a complete computer geek.
He refuses to sing but probably enjoyed Mamma Mia.
He is scarily Skinny.
He is scarily gay sometimes =P (Matt and Mullins. Yeeshh =P)
He gets cold way too easily.
But.....
He knows exactly how to make me smile.
He makes me want to go to school.
He has the most adorable smile EVER.
He can play Bass and guitar like noone ive ever seen.
He has an amazing sense of humour
He has zero energy, unless being forced to skip or becoming a fairy.
He ran away from a nine year old with a twig.
He is the owner of the mighty Mario =P (R.I.P x)
I could easily go on with this for a very very long time....=P But bottom line is....
I love him =)
I love this boy.
This boy...Well.....
He's a bit of a wuss.
He is a complete computer geek.
He refuses to sing but probably enjoyed Mamma Mia.
He is scarily Skinny.
He is scarily gay sometimes =P (Matt and Mullins. Yeeshh =P)
He gets cold way too easily.
But.....
He knows exactly how to make me smile.
He makes me want to go to school.
He has the most adorable smile EVER.
He can play Bass and guitar like noone ive ever seen.
He has an amazing sense of humour
He has zero energy, unless being forced to skip or becoming a fairy.
He ran away from a nine year old with a twig.
He is the owner of the mighty Mario =P (R.I.P x)
He cares about me...And shows it =)
I could easily go on with this for a very very long time....=P But bottom line is....
I love him =)
Friday, 13 March 2009
Ahh the suckiness.
One moment of weakness and my new happiness falls back a few steps.
Well, not the happiness exactly. Im still stupidly high and in love with Mikus, nothing in the slightest has changed there.
But I sat and thought the other day. And it wasnt a great outcome. What kind of person am i to force someone I care about to stop me from doing something Im not even so sure is bad any more?
Pshwaw. Im not even sure why im having this argument....Probably cause i have no idea what the answer is........ Fuckkkkk..............
Gay stupid depressed fucking brain.
ARGHHHH
Well, not the happiness exactly. Im still stupidly high and in love with Mikus, nothing in the slightest has changed there.
But I sat and thought the other day. And it wasnt a great outcome. What kind of person am i to force someone I care about to stop me from doing something Im not even so sure is bad any more?
Pshwaw. Im not even sure why im having this argument....Probably cause i have no idea what the answer is........ Fuckkkkk..............
Gay stupid depressed fucking brain.
ARGHHHH
Tuesday, 10 March 2009
No Longer A Christain.
I went to London on saturday.
I have a habit of noticing things that pass most people by. Like the random Banksy imitation picture some wierd stall.
That the CCTV was focussed not on the shops, but on the street performers.
Other random things.
But one of the most obvious things, was a giant poster on the side of a bus.
So really, not just random people like me would notice, but the potentially whole of London.
Do you know what was written on it?
"Fools say in their hearts, there is no God. For a free bible, call....."
I'll come back to that later. But should they get a bible, whats the first thing they'll do? Look up a verse they know. What might that one be?
Psalm 53? The one on the bus? Lets look at the rest of it....
"1 Fools say in their hearts,
"There is no God."
They are corrupt, and their ways are vile;
there is no one who does good. "
So the idea of this advertisment, was to open up people to God? Agnostics who need help deciding if God is real or not?
Do they get the love and acceptance we preach?
No.
Do they get the promise of no judgement?
No.
They get insulted. Called fools and vile.
I could blame the bible for this, but to be honest, i dont. The psalm is about Gods love for the earth and how they have changed without his influence. But in the context?
It presents big-headed, arrogant, we're-better-than-you, an i-told-you-so attitude.
The same attitude that associates us with out mistakes.
It reminds me of the time at ignite when we were shown a video someone had made.
It was a letter from an athiest to his christian friend. It screamed and cried as he was scared and taken to hell.
It was ridden with scare and shock tactics.
It made me feel physically Ill.
WHY on earth? How on earth? We preach love.
We preach forgivness, we preach GODs message.
There is love placed on our hearts to spread to other people.
We should not be forcing fear to people.
I have a habit of noticing things that pass most people by. Like the random Banksy imitation picture some wierd stall.
That the CCTV was focussed not on the shops, but on the street performers.
Other random things.
But one of the most obvious things, was a giant poster on the side of a bus.
So really, not just random people like me would notice, but the potentially whole of London.
Do you know what was written on it?
"Fools say in their hearts, there is no God. For a free bible, call....."
I'll come back to that later. But should they get a bible, whats the first thing they'll do? Look up a verse they know. What might that one be?
Psalm 53? The one on the bus? Lets look at the rest of it....
"1 Fools say in their hearts,
"There is no God."
They are corrupt, and their ways are vile;
there is no one who does good. "
So the idea of this advertisment, was to open up people to God? Agnostics who need help deciding if God is real or not?
Do they get the love and acceptance we preach?
No.
Do they get the promise of no judgement?
No.
They get insulted. Called fools and vile.
I could blame the bible for this, but to be honest, i dont. The psalm is about Gods love for the earth and how they have changed without his influence. But in the context?
It presents big-headed, arrogant, we're-better-than-you, an i-told-you-so attitude.
The same attitude that associates us with out mistakes.
It reminds me of the time at ignite when we were shown a video someone had made.
It was a letter from an athiest to his christian friend. It screamed and cried as he was scared and taken to hell.
It was ridden with scare and shock tactics.
It made me feel physically Ill.
WHY on earth? How on earth? We preach love.
We preach forgivness, we preach GODs message.
There is love placed on our hearts to spread to other people.
We should not be forcing fear to people.
Christians have made mistakes. I have made mistakes. Its Gods forgivness that we learn to understand, and he forgives us.
But surely its a mistake to stand on a street corner and yell doomsday messages at people? Cant we look at ways to talk to people that are so much more effective? Love, one-to-one listening.
Practice what we preach.
Im just sick of the constant hippocrisy of Christainity.
Until I can get my head around it, i will no longer tell people I am a christian.
I beleive in God. I beleive in Jesus. I get that he loves people. But im sick of it all.
Out of pure curiousity I looked up christian in the urban dictionary. Most of them agree with what i say, but this one.....
"16.
Christian
A person who believes that Christ is their Savior. Most are kind and polite, but some are complete snobs about it. The latter gets extremely offended when someone has a difference of opinion religiously, but still go around saying everybody else is wrong and that they are going to hell for not having faith. Especially aggressive towards Atheists. "
Now what if everyones opinion of Christians was that??
Thats how people at school think i will be. Aggressive because I dont share their beliefs.
One for the many, but why cant we shed the label?
The term Christian comes from who we were then. The struggles early christians faced. We were Jews before! We reinvented ourselves to show a change in who we were, a concious decision to follow Christ the saviour.
So why cant we reinvent ourselves again, move past our past ideas and morals, the major mistakes christianity as a whole has been blamed for and is still blamed for?
Get rid of our insecurities about admitting to being a christian?
Become new people, in the name of Christ.
So no longer am i a christain. Im a christ-follower. =)
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